A Massachusetts women just found Jesus on the bottom of her iron. She says it’s a sign that "life is going to be good for her child”.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but scorching your messiah with a 400 degree iron is a step in the wrong direction.
I have a friend who's daughter fell in love with a guy during their two month vow of silence. How does she know he's not a def mute? Seems like quite a gamble to me.
Read more...Don’t you find it odd that you can’t buy one pant, you must buy a pair?
Read more...You know when you're drinking from the sink at work and someone flushes the toilet, there's that brief change in water pressure. I don't like that.
Read more...Don’t want your kid to get run over by a redneck while riding his bike? Dress him in a red, white, and blue Jersey. Hicks may hate cyclists, but they would never run over the flag.
Read more...I love the Canadian national anthem. Too bad they never play it at the Olympics.
Read more...Dear Andy: Is it just me, or are engineers just a little bit odd? – Daryl in Phoenix
Dear Daryl: Yes, Engineers are a little odd. Research shows it’s due to the long work days, constant noise from the machinery, and the overall monotony of the job. If you ask me, which you did, driving a train really doesn’t seem that tough.
Ingredients:
1 - Ken doll
1 - Propane torch
1 - Can white acrylic paint
You know the rest.
Dear Andy: Why haven't you been posting lately? I miss you daily insight and solutions. - Carrie in Lander Wyoming
Dear Carrie: Go back to your sheep shearing or whatever the hell you back-woods hillbillies do. I get tired of your whining complaints just as much as you kids do, no wonder they won’t stop crying. You make me sick! I’ll post when I want, and how I want. If you don’t like it, I’m sure Oprah will be happy to fill your ass full of sunshine in my absence.
Love, Andy
Dear Andy: Should I provide alcohol for my son so he drinks at home instead of out where he is driving around. Linda in Atlanta
Dear Linda: Yes, and please adopt me and my friends.
Dear Andy: Our son cries constantly at night and my wife and I are at our wits end. We generally don’t get more than two or three hours of sleep a night. What is the best way to make him sleep? – Mark in Phoenix
Dear Mark: You’re making this too complicated. Just get a night job.
Dear Andy: How do parenting styles differ in the various countries you have recently visited? I am VERY interested! – Amy in Bellingham
Dear Amy: In the US, kids are told they can be anything they want to be. What a crock. I wanted to be a frickin’ truck driver. I even had my handle picked out – Diesel Trucker. But my dad had other ideas and sent me off to business school. Now they just call me Mr. Wallis. Anyway, here’s a quick rundown of some observations from my recent travels:
Dear Andy: My son loves Coffee. Is it harmful to kids under the age of 10? – Aaron in Jersey
Dear Aaron: Yes, it stunts their growth. But think of it as an opportunity. You’ll save thousands on clothing.
Dear Andy: I am American, and my wife is Canadian. We just had a daughter and can choose her primary nationality. Should we choose US or Canada? – Jim in Michigan
Dear Jim: Definitely choose US citizenship. Canadian’s are too damn nice. If you stop to think about it, it’s really quite pathetic. They walk around with that stupid “can I help you find something” look on their faces. They remind me of some of those born again Christians; you know who I’m talking about, the ones who are so full of God’s love that they’re peeing rainbows. You need just a touch of surly to balance out the nice, that’s the American way.
Dear Andy: I have a 38 year old daughter that has just gotten her license. Recently our area has approved to put in 41 roundabouts within a 60 mile radius. I am terrified; we were recently stuck in a roundabout one afternoon while going out to lunch. 10 passes later and we finally got out. How do I teach her to get through the roundabouts without panic? Stephanie in Wisconsin
Dear Stephanie: Here in Washington we call them the satan's ring of fire. I know a guy who entered a circle back in the spring of ’87 and he’s still goin’ round. There is only one rule for successfully navigating a traffic circle: don’t fuck up!
Dear Andy: In addition to providing fine parenting advice, I understand you're quite the whiz in the kitchen, too. Do you have any suggestions for stretching the ever narrowing dollar to feed a growing family? I heard you have a great recipe for a bacony potato salad... – Susan in Bellingham
Dear Susan: Yea, you heard right, I’m quite a bad-ass with the meat hammer. What I’ve learned through my many years of innovative cooking is that it’s all about the secret ingredient. Of course I can’t divulge my secret, but let’s just say that you are correct, I’m a “whiz” in the kitchen.
Dear Andy: What’s the best way to get my child to sleep through the night? – Mark in Las Vegas
Dear Mark: Two words, Bluegrass music. It’s the number one cause of narcolepsy and night sweats.
Dear Andy: My 2 year old daughter hates taking baths. Any ideas for making bath time more fun? – Kate in Fargo
Dear Kate: Your daughters pouting will be much more fun if you’re enjoying a nice glass of cognac.
Dear Andy: My son stole a candy bar from the grocery store last week. He felt bad and confessed a couple days later. What’s a suitable punishment? – Steve in Mississippi
Dear Steve: Take him to the mall and make him steal you an iPod; then turn him in. He’ll learn his lesson, and you’ll get an iPod.
Dear Andy: Is Innovative Parenting Solutions appropriate for children under 10? – Lindsay in Springfield
Dear Lindsay: Yes, yes, and yes. Innovative Parenting Solutions is good for all ages, 3 months to 130 years. I don’t mean to brag, but I have helped the world’s children in a way that only Jesus, Santa, and the Easter Bunny have before me. It turns out people can’t help but love things that are completely made up.
Dear Andy: Are video games bad for kids? – Jack in Florida
Dear Jack: Not necessarily. If they’re good at it, consider it a calling. On the other hand, if they suck, you may want to keep them away from the Atari. There’s nothing sadder than a geek that just can’t quite pull it off.
Dear Andy: My daughter gets car sick every time we go on a long trip. What’s the best solution? – Debbie in Halifax
Dear Debbie: Take a bus.
Dear Andy: I hear that the sun’s UV rays are very harmful. Should I keep my son out of the sun? – George in Virginia.
Dear George: There are three shades of pale. From darkest to lightest they are: a pale shade of IT, a pale shade of butt white, and the dreaded Minnesota white. If you keep your son in the IT to butt white range you should be okay. But please, for the sake of light sensitive eyes everywhere, don’t go Minnesota.
Dear Andy: How should I teach my son about sex? – Pat in Mississippi
Dear Pat: Just like everyone else in the south, make him sleep with his cousin.
Dear Andy: At what age should I start a checking account for my son? – Clark in Phoenix
Dear Clark: Do it when you’re young. That way you have time to replenish it after your son drains it.
Dear Andy: I’m dying to know, what do you think of the Octamom? – Brian in Atlantic City
Dear Brian: She’s octagorgeous.
Dear Andy: What’s the perfect number of kids to have? – Merv in Vancouver
Dear Merv: The average American has 2.5 kids. The average American house is 2,500 square feet. Coincidence, I think not. The average kid can clean 1,000 square feet. How big is your house???
Dear Andy: I love my cats more than my kids. What should I do? – Tina in Memphis
Dear Tina: Buy a dog.
Dear Andy: What's your stance on children and alcohol? Is a sip of wine with a dinner okay for my 12 year old son. - Al in Virginia.
Dear Al: Is a little bit of meth okay; maybe just a touch of assault with a deadly weapon? Wine is step one, and theft is step two. Don’t worry about step three; you’ll be dead before you see it coming.
Dear Andy: Breast milk or formula? – Kendra in Arcadia
Dear Kendra: Breast milk goes great with Cornflakes and Cheerios. But for the really sugary cereals like Captain Crunch, formula is the way to go.
Hello Sir: How are you today. I know this mail will come to you as a surprise considering the fact that we haven't discuss it before, but kindly bear with me hence, I have a special reason why I decided to contact you. My situation at hand is miserable but I trust in God and hope you will help me out. My name is Alina Joao Bernardo Vieira, I am 22years old girl. My nationality is Bissau Guinean. I am the daughter of Late Mr. Joao Bernardo Vieira, former President of the Republic of Guinea Bissau. Recently, my father was shot dead at home by the soldiers on early Monday, 3rd March, 2009.
I got your contact through internet data record and I decide to seek for your help to transfer my inheritance.
I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. I am presently staying in the Mission camp in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$5.7 Million in one of the leading bank at Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso with my name as the beneficiary. I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf. I had wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am afraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money. Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money to your account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. I have my fathers death certificate and the account number which I will give you as soon as you indicated your interest to help me. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment.
Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes. I will send you my photos in my next email. Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. - Yours Sincerely, Miss Alina Joao Bernardo Vieira
Dear Miss Alina Joao Bernardo Vieira: Wow, I don’t know what to say. I need to clear this incredible offer with my current wife, but it sounds like a dream come true. Please send me the $5.7 million and I’ll take care of the plane tickets. Trust me.
Dear Andy: I have a 16 year old son who is athletically gifted. What sport should I steer him towards? – Maggie in Taos
Dear Maggie: There are three levels of sporting:
Athletic – These are the sports that make you a man – football, soccer, running….
Non-athletic – These are the fat guy sports – Baseball, bowling, golf, etc.
Mississippi – These include shooting at appliances, drinking and driving, and spouse abuse.
If your son is truly athletic, he’ll excel in the athletic and non-athletic sports. If he’s a dumb-shit with a confederate flag hanging off the back of his 74 Ford pick-up, he’s all Mississippi.
Dear Andy: Disneyland or Six Flags? – Rachael in Southbury
Dear Rachael: Neither; take the kids to Costco. It’s got the same crowds, lines, and hot dogs as the theme parks. But when you return home, you’ll have 200 rolls of toilet paper, 80 pounds of dog food, and a case of underwear, all with the same name: Kirkland.
Dear Andy: My son gave her mother and me nicknames. He calls me Fun Balls, and my wife Winky Shrinker. I don’t understand this new slang. Is he insulting us, or are these terms of endearment? – Mike in Wisconsin
Dear Mike: Good news for you, but not so good for your beautiful wife. Fun Balls is a combination of the words funicular, and ballerina. Basically he is saying you are strong, can climb steep hills, and are a very good dancer. Winky Shrinker on the other hand is the combination of the words testicle and sucker. Apparently your son wants to teabag his mother.
Dear Andy: What’s the best way to get my child to sleep through the night? – Mark in Las Vegas
Dear Mark: Two words, bluegrass music. It’s the number one cause of narcolepsy and night sweats. Be careful though, it’s also been known to cause gonorrhea.
Dear Andy: Should I allow my kids to play with fireworks this Fourth of July? – Hank in Ohio
Dear Hank: 4 out of 5 neighborhood mailboxes say no.
Dear Andy: My son refuses to recycle, how can I make him understand the importance of saving the world? - Kelly in South Hampton
Dear Kelley: Your son is right. If you cycle correctly the first time, you won’t have to recycle later.
Dear Andy: My wife and I are expecting our first baby in a couple months and I was wondering what you think the role of the father is in the delivery room. – Brent in Alger
Dear Brent: Miracle of child birth my ass. You need to do whatever it takes to not get your ass kicked. There’s going to be blood, sweat, and tearing flesh, and she may feel some mild discomfort as well. I suggest you stay calm, remember your breathing exercises, and for god’s sake, keep your privates out of her reach.
Dear Andy: Our daughter Lisa has abandoned her favorite purple flowered skirt simply because another girl who obviously admires Lisa's strong sense of fashion was spotted wearing the identical skirt. Should we force Lisa to wear the skirt? Or should we use it to make matching vest for our beloved dogs Emma and Sophie? Tracey in Wisconsin
Dear Tracey: Once a fashion thief, always a fashion thief. This girl obviously won’t stop until she has stolen Lisa’s entire wardrobe. There’s only one way out of this downward spiral. Yep, you guessed it; that girl needs to be color blinded. I know, it sounds terrible, but it’s the only way.
Dear Andy: Lisa Peterson highly recommended you to me... I have no children but my nephew and nieces were spending the night and found my nude sketch book that I had accidentally thrown in with the coloring books by mistake. Some pictures were drawn solely for the purpose of making my husband laugh and were quite graphic. I fear I have scarred them for life. Now they will only look at me on occasion and say, "Fran, you're sick." Any suggestions? - Fran in Denver
Dear Fran: So, you’re friends with Lisa Peterson huh? And you have no kids, but keep stacks of coloring books in the house? To top it off, you draw sick, perverted sketches that your husband finds hilarious. Damn girl, move the Bellingham, we need more friends like you. As for the kids, just tell them the sketch book was published by a local congressman, they'll understand.
Dear Andy: We had friends from Wisconsin visit recently and they left an udder shaped shot glass in our cupboard. Now our son, who is 3 years old, won’t stop putting it on the end of his penis. He calls it his pee-pee helmet. How should we deal with the issue? – Harkin in Whistler
Dear Harkin: Let you son have his way with the udder. Next time your friends visit, surprise them with a shot of tequila.
Dear Andy: How old is too old for trick-or-treating? – Valerie in Burlington
Dear Valerie: How would I know, I’m only 38. But I’ll let you know when I get there.
Dear Andy: I overheard my son and his girlfriend talking about experimenting with a rusty trombone and a dirty Sanchez. What should I do? - Martha in Ohio
Dear Martha: Make sure they’re up-to-date on their tetanus shots, and I suggest they bone up on their Spanish.
Dear Andy: My son walks around with his pants hanging down like a gangster. That would be fine, but we’re an upper middle class family with two Volvos and a cleaning lady. Should his baggy pants bother me? – Herb in North Dakota
Dear Herb: I’ve got to tell you, those middle class bastards showing the crack drive me nuts. In the hood, it’s born out of necessity, belts are expensive, but in North Dakota? He’s going to get frost bite on his butt cheeks, which will require a long hospital stay, and most likely end in the amputation of one or both of his ass cheeks. Then, on his wedding night when his wife sees the butt prosthesis for the first time and asks, what happened to your ass, he’ll have to answer; I wanted to look like I couldn’t afford a belt. What a jackass.
Dear Andy: When watching movies what’s worse for kids, sex or violence? – Bernie in DC
Dear Bernie: Violence is more damaging to your child, unless the sex includes Rosanne Bahr, then it’s definitely the sex.
Dear Andy: Are comic strips suitable for 5 year olds? – Karen in Tacoma
Dear Karen: It depends on the strip. Peanuts is great for kids and adults of all ages. Dilbert, you’d better stick to 7 and up. As for Cathy, let’s just say if your kid likes Cathy you’ve got bigger issues at hand.
Dear Andy: My 16 year old son refuses to lower the toilet seat after he goes pee. How do I make him understand? – April in Bangor
Dear April: Tape your picture on the bottom of the seat. I guarantee he’ll lower it.
Dear Andy: My son insists he take a multi vitamin every morning, but the news says there is no real benefit. What do you think? Judd in North Carolina
Dear Judd: You’ve got yourself a daughter. There are three steps toward womanhood. Step one is dolls, step two is the multi vitamin, and step three is a love for Innovative Parenting Solutions.
Dear Andy: How much is too much for a weekly allowance? – Gene in Montgomery
Dear Gene: It depends on what you get for your money. For dishes after dinner and taking out the garbage, $10 is the going rate. For dishes, garbage, lawn care, and the occasional white lie, up it to $20. Throw in a three state crime spree, and you’d better pony up.
Dear Andy: My daughter wants a tattoo. What do you think? – Veronica
Dear Veronica: It’s not going to happen, Mr. Villechaize killed himself in September of 1993. I guess the song is true, short people ain’t got no reason to live.
Dear Andy: My daughter wants a peacock for a pet. I checked with the city and they are allowed, but is a peacock really a proper pet? - Jen in Boston
Dear Jen: Peacocks are lazy birds. They just sit around all day, displaying their feathers like their god’s gift to color or something. Everyone knows rainbows hold that title. So here’s what you do. Buy her a chicken and a 6-pack of Krylon. Your daughter can build her own peacock, and you’ll get eggs to boot.
Dear Andy: My daughter Lisa is scared of butterflies. What can I do to help her get over her fear? –Mike in Wisconsin
Dear Mike: I am not a doctor, but I can tell you that the scientific term for Lisa’s condition is Phuckinuts. The most common cause is too much space between the cerebellum and the skull. That doesn’t necessarily indicate a small brain; sometimes a freakishly large skull is to blame. As Lisa sees the butterfly, all the magical colors and frantic flapping send her brain into overdrive, it’s kind of like Michael Jackson at a Boy Scout sleep over. There’s only one cure, an extremely wet climate. The heavy rain tears the wings off the little bastards keeping those afflicted with Phuckinuts safe and sound.
Dear Andy: My son really likes Mountain Do. Yea, you heard me, Mountain Do, he has terrible spelling. He is 16 and the editor for his school newspaper. He published a story about his love for Mountain Do and now he is teased by everyone. Any idea how to help him out of this predicament? – Terry in Las Vegas
Dear Terry: Your kid’s a dumb-ass. Sorry, but it needs to be said. Mountain Do? Unless it’s a volcano, a mountain do nuthin’, just like your son. He’s in way over his head, and a correction like this is just what he needs. Try to steer him into something he can be successful in, like recycling.
Dear Andy: My son won’t eat his vegetables. Should kids be forced to eat foods that they don’t like? – Bill in Boston
Read more...Dear Andy: What’s the best age to have children? – Rhonda in Jersey
Dear Rhonda: Have them when they’re young, it hurts less.
Dear Andy: My daughter loves to go to the Bellingham Farmers Market. There are scented soaps for sale, children’s clothing, jewelry, and of course a few food stands. The problem is it seems every time I go someone keys my Hummer. How can I go to the Farmers Market in Bellingham without a visit to the body shop? – Paul in Bellingham
Dear Paul: I think I’ve seen you at the Bellingham Farmers Market. You’ve got that banana yellow H2 with the 24 inch spinners and the incredibly small penis. No one deserves to be keyed, regardless of how pathetically lame their taste in vehicles is. Here’s the plan: park at the Chevy dealership, trust me, there will be no one there, and then ride the bus downtown where it’s just a short walk to the Farmers Market. Your Hummer is safe, and your daughter still gets to enjoy the 20 something year old homeless girls at the farmers market with the braided pit hair and hemp brassieres.
Dear Andy: Should I let my 9 year old watch cable TV? – Brad in Indianapolis
Dear Brad: If you want to teach your child how to kill with a gun, knife, axe, ice pick, screw driver, lug nut, house cat, or the musical stylings of Celine Dion, cable TV is the way to go. On the other hand, if you want to teach your child important things like how to cook a perfect yam fritter, crossword skills, or horticulture, NPR is probably your best bet. I say you take the middle ground, buy your kid some Legos.
Dear Andy: My wife and I are due to have a child this September. Do you know of a good book on child rearing? – Craig in Nashville
I certainly do not, Craig. You’re one sick son of a bitch.
Dear Andy: Would you please settle a bet between my wife and I. Who is easier to raise, a boy or a girl? – Pete in Westport
Dear Pete: It really depends on the individual child, but girls are usually a little lighter.
Dear Andy: I’m sick and tired of going to the playground with my son. There is no comfortable seating, the grass makes my allergies go nuts, and the kids scream their head off while the parents pay no attention. I need an excuse, can you help? – Terry in Savannah
Dear Terry: I’ve got a plan. Drop your son at the monkey bars. Then start snapping photos of the other children. You need to wear sweat pants and a flannel shirt, and don’t forget the NASCAR cap, that’s key to success. When the other parents see you, they won’t be back, and neither will their children. Everyone knows the playground isn’t any fun by yourself, so you son will be okay with not returning.
Dear Andy: I grew up just fine without a car seat. Now I have a son, and the state requires them for all children under 8 years old. Don’t you think that’s a little ridiculous? Perry in San Francisco
Dear Perry: You sound just like my old friend Carl. Carl never wore his seatbelt, said he didn’t need it. Carl was right in one respect. He was traveling south on Route 62 one evening, when a drunk crossed the centerline and hit his Saab head on. Carl was thrown clear, and hit the ground without a scratch. Seriously, he didn’t even break a nail. Of course a fraction of a second later, a passing 18 wheeler smashed him flat as a pancake, but I chalk that up to bad luck. The moral of Carl’s story is that innovative thinking may save your life, but not for long. Buy the car seat.
Dear Andy: I live in Whatcom County Washington and want to teach my daughter to take the bus instead of always asking me for a ride. But I can’t seem to figure out the Bellingham bus schedule. She is a bright girl, and I hear the WTA, or Whatcom Transportation Authority as it’s called, publishes an easy to follow online Bellingham bus schedule that she should be able to figure out. What do you think? - Terry in Bellingham Washington
Dear Terry: You can’t figure out the Bellingham bus schedule huh? What kind of dumb-ass can’t figure out the bus schedule for Bellingham; it’s Whatcom County for Christ sake? Did you know the WTA bus schedule is world renowned for its easy to follow format? They even shortened the name for you, WTA – Whatcom Transportation Authority. Unfortunately for your daughter, the apple usually doesn’t fall far from the tree. I would suggest you get your girl a bike, but she’d probably end up lost and hop the bus anyway, where she’s end up getting off at the wrong stop, then search and rescue would get involved, and you’d end up on the front page of the paper with the other dumb parents who can’t figure out the Bellingham bus schedule. Just give her the ride; you’ll be doing society a favor.
Dear Andy: My son is supposed to attend Lowell School in Bellingham next year. But the school, which has been closed for a year for seismic upgrades, may remain closed next year as well due to the current economic situation. Some parents in the neighborhood have started a group to save Lowell School. I am torn, should I join the group to save Lowell School, or be fiscally responsible and accept that keeping the school closed for one additional year may be the right thing to do? - Brian in Bellingham
Dear Brian: No one wants their school to close. This reeks of the “not in my neighborhood” plague that has been sweeping the nation over the past couple decades. I would bet my left nut that you live in an upper middle class neighborhood with nice views, lots of foreign cars, and kids that will never know the hurt of lower middle class. If Lowell was an intercity school in another part of town, would your neighbors be up in arms? I think not. Stand proud and support the additional year of Lowell School closure. Think globally, not locally.
Dear Andy: I just got a great new job in a different city. I promised my two girls that they could pick out a new puppy for our new house when we moved in even though they are violently allergic to dog hair. I am now thinking that my promise was foolish and want to re-negotiate. I am afraid they will stop loving me unless I give them what they want. What should I do to be a good father? Money is no object. - Barry in Casablanca
Dear Barry: My wife and I traveled Morocco a few years ago. All of the locals said, “Don’t go to Casablanca, Casablanca not for tourists”. Let me tell you, they were right. That city has issues. The place is falling apart. What does this have to do with a puppy for your Daughters? Not much, it just tells me a little something about your decision making skills. Since you moved your girls to that pit you call a city, I think it only fair that you get your girls get a pony.
Dear Andy: My son is not really college material. He tries really hard, but just can’t seem to get good grades. What’s a good next step if college doesn’t work out? – Carl in Minneapolis
Dear Carl: No one wants a career as a dishwasher. But “hydro porcelain technician” has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
Dear Andy: I'm not a parent, but as an uncle I sometimes wonder where to draw the line when teaching my 4-year-old nephew about things his parents won't - like firecrackers, annoying catch phrases, and prostitutes. The question is, as a responsible uncle where do I draw the line? For instance, we've already been distilling moonshine together, but I'm not sure if teaching him to cook meth is maybe crossing the line. You are a man of great wisdom, please enlighten me. - John from Kitsap
Dear John: You have so much to learn. There’s a really easy method of deciding what is okay:
If they’d do it on The Simpsons, it’s okay.
If they’d do it on South Park, it’s a strong maybe.
If they’d do it south of the Mason Dixon line, you’re a sick bastard.
Stick to these simple rules, and you’ll be just fine.
Dear Andy: My son is graduating from high school this year. What’s the best graduation gift for a young man entering the workforce? – Mike in Kansas City
Dear Mike: Give him your 401k; it won’t cost you a cent.
Dear Andy: We are going on a family holiday to Hawaii next week. How do I keep my 2 year old son quiet on the airplane? – Alice in Texas
Dear Alice: Let your son do his thing, I have an easier solution. Pass out earplugs and buy a couple drinks for everyone within two rows of your son. Def and drunk travelers are much more tolerant.
Dear Andy: My wife of seven years really wants kids, but I do not. Is there hope for our marriage? – Thomas in Algona
Dear Thomas: That’s tough problem, the decision to have kids can weigh heavily on a marriage. Luckily I have a solution that will work for both of you. Let your wife pick up after you, cook for you, and wash your clothes. She can throw big birthday parties for you and your friends, drive you places, and wash behind your ears. In return you can eat the food that she prepares, spend her money, and throw a tantrum when things don’t turn out the way you want. She’ll have a child, and you’ll be living every man’s dream.
Dear Andy: My daughter just turned 15 and is now eligible for her learners permit. I want to teach her to drive, but I really like my car and worry the clutch will never be the same. – Paul in Sumner
Dear Paul: It’s not the clutch you need to worry about. Your daughter and her sperm donor are going to treat the back seat of your car like a king size bed at the Bunny Ranch. Hope you like grand kids!
Dear Andy: My 4 year old son insists on throwing his food in restaurants. Do you have any suggestions? – Todd in Vancouver
Dear Todd: Tip well.
Dear Andy: I have two sons who have been fighting a lot lately. How do I deal with their sibling rivalry? – Susan in Chicago
Dear Susan: Put the dominant son on steroids. The bigger he gets, the more accommodating your other son will be. They will learn to get along just fine, aside from the occasional roid-rage that is.
Dear Andy: How old should a child be before they get their first cell phone? – Kelly in Port Moody
Dear Kelly: Hook you kid up with a land-line. Cell phones are one of the top causes of automobile accidents, cancer, and alcoholism. And, just like snowboarding, this fad is on its way out.
Dear Andy: Is spanking really so wrong? - Old School in Las Vegas
Dear Old School: I enjoy a good spanking as much as the next guy. Give me your number and maybe we can hook up.
Dear Andy: Diapers are incredibly expensive. Do you know of an alternative solution? – Mike in San Jose
Dear Mike: Slip the warehouse manager at your local Costco a $20 and he’ll leave a couple cases out back for you.
Dear Andy: What’s the best solution for telling our daughter that her mother and I have filed for divorce? – Gregg in Minneapolis.
Dear Gregg: A picture is worth a thousand words. Just cut your wife out of the family photos and sooner or later, your daughter will get the point.
Dear Andy: I’m ready to move my son into the “pee in big toilet” stage. Any suggestions? – Dawn in Dallas
Dear Dawn: Lift the seat.
Dear Andy: What’s your position on breast feeding in public? – Sally in Eugene
Dear Sally: I like it so much I bought a camera phone.
Dear Andy: I have always been a vegetarian, even bordering on vegan. My daughter is 16 and has decided that she now wants to eat meat. How do I convince her that eating meat is cruel? – Linda in Kansas City
Dear Linda: My great grandfather was killed by a dairy cow. I won’t go into details, but rest assured, it was udderly disturbing. If you think for one second that a cow wouldn’t eat you if it had the chance, think again. Why do you think they keep them in fences? So, when your daughter eats a burger don’t think of it as killing, think of it as vengeance.
Dear Andy: My wife is having twins. Is this my fault or hers? – Andrew in Bellingham
Dear Andrew: It doesn’t matter whose fault it is. Twins are a lot of work, so what really matters is that you find a way to shirk the responsibility of caring for the little bastards. Don't get me wrong; to be fair to your wife you need some good excuses. You need to appear as though you want to help, but at the same time, convince your wife that you can’t be trusted. It’s a win-win solution. You are free to go on living your care-free lifestyle, and your wife gets to fully experience the joy of motherhood.
Dear Andy: My son will be entering elementary school next fall. Is public school acceptable, or should I consider private or home school? – Larry in Virginia
Dear Larry: The choice is yours - an education that ends in tech school, beaten senseless by blood thirsty nuns, or a kid with the social skills of a 100 year old virgin tortoise.
Dear Andy: Your photograph on your web site looks like Sarah Palin with a beard. Can I really trust your judgment or are you just another media invention? - Disillusioned in San Francisco
Dear Disillusioned: Thanks for the compliment, Sarah looks beautiful in a beard. Let me tell you why you can trust my judgment. I live in Bellingham WA, and I can see the Alaska ferry terminal from my house. And as everyone knows, you can see Russia from Alaska. Therefore, there’s just two degrees of separation between me, and the “almost” vice leader of the free world.
Dear Andy: I like co-sleeping but I keep waking up with my baby wedged between my legs as it helps the tension in my lower lumbar. My husband thinks this is wrong. – Amy in Bellingham
Dear Amy: I haven’t tried the lumbar wedge, but I can tell you that fat kids make the best pillows.
Dear Andy: My baby is almost 3 and hasn't breast fed since he was 12 months old. He has this habit of touching my breasts whenever he can. I don't mind this but I am afraid that he might do this in public or even worse, he might try this with my wife or another woman. Please help! – Andrew in Bellingham
Dear Andrew: So you’ve got yourself a groper. I suggest you complete the ensemble with a little trench coat, ankle bracelet, and a dirty, old, rusted-out, windowless van.
Dear Andy: My son, a 16 year old junior, has begun to sell marijuana to make some money. Frankly, I admire the entrepreneurial spirit. His dilemma is whether to sell the cheap rag weed or the more expensive product. He tells me he can make more money with a high volume turnover of cheaper weed but I feel he would be exposed to a more sophisticated clientele dealing a more luxury product. What should I tell him? Stoned and Awaiting my Tithe in Wisconsin.
Dear SATW: Stick with the rag weed. The “Sophisticated clientele” of whom you speak are real dirt bags. These hippie-yuppie hybrids really think they’re something. Driving around in their BMWs and all wheel drive Audis, these pathetic losers present themselves as true high class, all the while knowing they’re just one toke way from a meth addicted prostitute.
Dear Andy: My son is a tad hyperactive. I drank a lot of coffee and ate a lot of sugar when I was pregnant. Am I to blame? – Amy in Bellingham
Dear Amy: Blame is such a strong word, but appropriate in this case. You have created a monster. Here’s a little peek into your future:
Age 5 - Finally out of diapers
Age 8 - Burns down the house with waffle maker
Age 12 thru 15 - The juvie years
Age 16 - Gets the neighbor girl pregnant
Age 17 - AA
Age 24 - First job, Taco Bell
Age 28 - Back in diapers
There is an upside. You get to keep the college fund.
Dear Andy: My daughter is teething and likes to suck on my empty beer bottles. Do the left over beer fumes pose a hazard? – Todd in Bellingham
Dear Todd: Beer fumes will have no ill effect on children. But they do present another, far more serious problem. Yea, you know what I’m talking about, the dreaded beer fume baby farts. While they make up only .00001% of all known fumes, they are responsible for up to 78% of drywall damage in the tri-state region.
Dear Andy: How do I get my 10 month old to nap at day care? – Amy in Bellingham
Dear Amy: What part of the word “day care” don’t you understand? Day = awake, night = asleep. It begs the question, are you raising a bat?
Dear Andy: I attended a handful of Mommy and me classes and now I regret it. I hated the other mommies. These Stepford wives keep sending me evite invitations for baby book clubs and baby plasticware and I don't want to go! Do I have to? – Amy in Bellingham
Dear Amy: From your letter, I can see that the real issue here is your inability to say no. That’s not a bad thing. You strive to please, and that’s an admirable quality. I see only one way out of this stalemate, pee on the host’s toilet seat. It’s amazing what a little well placed urine can do.
Dear Andy: I'd like your thoughts on trying to raise children while having a wife who is a liar. For instance, one of your posters stated in a "question" that she needed guidance on raising a perfect child (January 15). Two days later, she seeks advice on her son's pink eye. Now, there are either a hell of a lot of "Allisons" in Missoula. Allison has a hell of a lot of sons. Or Allison is a hell of a liar about having a perfect son. Come on! Perfect? With pink eye? No way. Yuck! - Just another liar's husband in Bellingham
Dear JALHIB: By putting others down, you seek to build yourself up. I can think of no worse trait in a man than attempting to cover his insecurities by making fun of others. You’re stupid, lazy, ugly, and your scrotum has stretched beyond recognition. I hope every time you take a seat, you sit on your balls……..sorry, my mistake, you don’t have any.
Dear Andy: Our little Larry is 4 years old and refuses to talk. How can we make him understand the importance of speaking when he knows he can get what he wants by motioning and pointing? Or should we enroll him in martial arts to prepare for a future as a secret agent? How much do traffic cops get paid? Looking forward to your innovative insight. - Your faithful student, Jim
Dear Jim: I feel your son is stuck in a box. I see mime school in his future.
Dear Andy: I want to prepare a financial nest egg for my darling daughter's future college education. Should I buy gold bars or US Treasury Bonds? - Floyd in Alger
Dear Floyd: Only a complete idiot buys in this economy. And since your daughter shares the genes of an idiot, save your money, a college fund is unnecessary.
Dear Andy: When the oxygen masks drop in the airplane, should I help my child first, or put my mask on first? – Doug in New Jersey
Dear Doug: Definitely put your mask on first. If you don’t, while you’re sucking CO2 and fighting consciousness struggling to put the mask on your kid, the stewardess will sign you up for one of those damn frequent flyer bonus miles credit cards that charges you $75 a year and gives you discounts at the Motel 6 in Fargo. I say no. Put your mask on first and save the $75.
Dear Andy: My 11 year old son had a girl over to watch movies after school and they sat together on the couch. I think their hands may have touched. Is that okay, or is he a little too young for physical contact? – Diane in Bellingham
Dear Diane: Here’s how it goes down:
1. Your son touches hands with the girl.
2. She convinces him your tuna casserole is lousy.
3. His grades slip.
4. He’s expelled from school, turns to a life of crime, and perishes in a tragic hotel fire.
If you love your son, keep that dirty wench off the sofa.
Dear Andy: My son wanted to go outside yesterday. I am very worried. Outside it can be cold, and sometimes it is hot. There are germs and squirrels and strangers. I would be much happier if he only stayed inside and did something much more safe, like play video games, watch TV, or just stare at the wall. How can I best steer him in a positive non socially invasive manner? - A. F. Raid
Dear AF: Here’s one I have to agree with. History’s most prominent killers, dictators, and thieves have one thing in common, they all went outside. That’s why today’s best parents turn to TV and video games to raise their children. Outside is full of wolves, bears, cars, mowers, and rope swings. I have only one word to describe parents who expose their children to the outside: pathetic, irresponsible, lame-ass, inside-phobic morons. Together Wii can make a difference.
Dear Andy: My boyfriend wants to name our child Jismine and call her Jizzie for short. Is this wrong? Help! - PPTC (Possible Parent of a Tortured Child) in Bellingham
Dear PPTC: Don’t worry; this is a very common misunderstanding. If I had to guess, I would say your boyfriend is from the south, probably Louisiana. How do I know you ask? It’s his accent. You heard Jismine, but what he said was Jasmine. My spell check concurs; try in yourself if you don’t believe me. And personally, I think Jazzie is really nice nickname. Of course when my spell check removes the accent, it comes back “Jazzier”, which seems a little presumptuous, don’t you think?
Dear Andy: I invited another parent on Facebook to join your group and now they are no longer friends with me. What happened? - Amy in Bellingham
Dear Amy: It’s not your fault. Your friend feels threatened by my straight talk and innovative parenting solutions. In one sentence, you’ve told me more that I need to know about your so-called friend. She’s a narcissistic, self centered bitch that’s hell-bent on destroying your relationship with your child, your husband, and most importantly, your love for Innovative Parenting Solutions, the website dedicated to finding innovative answers for tough parenting questions. Lose your friend and log on, I’m here to help.
Dear Andy: How old should my Daughter be before I let her attend a coed slumber party? – Carl in Phoenix
Dear Carl: 42
Dear Andy: My son has taken a virginity pledge. Does that make him less of a man? Jill in Philadelphia
Dear Jill: Men are made of equal parts booze, stink, and sex. When you remove the sex, you’re left with stink and booze. So yes, your son is now two-thirds of a man.
Dear Andy: My son just made a great painting of Bode Miller out of poop on my wall. Should I let it dry and enjoy this stinky, wonderful painting or should I clean it off quickly. The corn sort of looks like death cookies. It's pretty cool, but smells. Respond quickly! - Toby AKA Spoda in Missoula
Dear Toby: Here’s what you do. Step 1 -Take a long stiff knife and cut that chunk of drywall out. Step 2 - Laquer the poop and surround it with a nice frame. Now you’ve got a presentable piece. Step 3 - Rename your kid something artsy like Didier Couche or Carlo Janka. 4th and final step – Ship the signed painting to Hollywood, auction for six-figures, and laugh all the way to the bank. Californians love shitty paintings.
Dear Andy: My functioning drunk husband has alienated all of our friends and is teaching our son likewise. Any tips to make him an upright drunk? Sincerely, Boozed, off Meridian
Dear Boozed: Buy him a Segway. All he has to do is hold on, the gyroscopes do the rest.
Dear Andy: My daughter confided in me that her boyfriend has been pressuring her to have sex, but she is not yet ready. I’m glad she came to me. How do I deal with the boyfriend without betraying my daughter’s trust? - Laura in Vancouver BC
Dear Laura: I have one word for you – restraining order. But don’t let your daughter know what’s up. That would make him the “bad boy”. And I can tell you from experience, chicks dig the bad boy. This arrogant prick needs to be dealt with pronto. If you want to kill his street cred, just plant a copy of Michael Bolton’s Greatest Hits 1985 to 1995 in his ride. Your daughter will be out of that relationship faster than you can say home school.
Dear Andy: My husband’s regressing and now I can't get him to wear pants around the house. I'm finding skid marks and TP shrapnel in the darndest places. Do I give-in and just buy brown color sofa covers or what? - Sandy on Lummi Island
Dear Sandy: I usually comment on parenting issues only, but I think I can help you. Women have no idea how confining pants can be for a well endowed man. Let me tell you, it’s no party down there. The little guy and his sidekicks get twisted, bent, squeezed and crushed, and that’s just the beginning. What your husband needs is a little patience and understanding during his time of need. To say that he is “regressing” is not only bigoted, but also shows a lack of class and maturity. Buy yourself a case of hand sanitizer and learn to not sweat the small stuff.
Dear Andy: My son has Pink-Eye. Is this a bad thing? - Allison in Missoula
Dear Allison: I can help. Follow these steps and the pink eye will clear up immediately:
1. Open Internet Office Picture Manager
2. Choose “Edit Pictures” from the task bar
3. Choose “Red Eye Removal” from the menu on the right (red-eye and pink-eye are the same)
4. With the mouse, center the cross-hairs on one eye and left click, repeat for the other eye
5. Click “OK” in the right menu
6. Remember to save your changes
Voila, pink eye is removed. There are many programs that work just as well, shop around to find the one that best suits your needs.
Dear Andy: I recently impregnated Shaniqua, my girlfriend of two months. She has decided to keep the baby out of respect for Jesus, and I have resolved to stand by her. Since continuing our college educations really isn't an option with a baby on the way we have decided to move back to my home town where my parents have offered us the top floor of their shed free of charge. My question is this: is the top floor of a shed a suitable place to raise my bastard child? - Baby-Daddy to be in California
Dear Baby-Daddy: Don’t blame Jesus. The word around town is your girl’s a ho. And while we’re on the subject, it takes one to know one. Is the top floor of a shed a suitable place to raise a child? The answer is……sometimes. My parent’s shed was a shit hole. Between the slug bait, rat poison, and the fertilizer, I was lucky to make it out alive. You my friend have no room to complain. Do you know how many young fathers dream of a two story shed? You can park the Huffy on the ground floor, which leaves the top floor open for your beautiful, young, ho family.
Dear Andy: I just wanted to share that I feel my son is perfect. Do you have any suggestions on how to raise a perfect child?? - Allison in Missoula
Dear Allison: You fall into one of two groups. The 95% of all mothers who think their son it perfect, or the .0002% of mothers who do, in fact, have a perfect son. If you fall into the first group, don’t feel bad, it’s what you think that really matters. If you are lucky enough to fall into the second, far more exclusive group, I can put you in touch with my mother. She has over 37 years of experience with a perfect son.
Dear Andy: My 14 year old daughter is addicted to Facebook, she claims she's bored. How can I cut down her computer time and get her out of the house? – Tom in Manitoba
Dear Tom: What the hell do you expect, you live in Manitoba? You know better than me that your top exports are teen pregnancy, English/French translations, and lame Ontario jokes. Just put her on the snow machine and take her down for a couple games of 5-pin. Short of relocating, that’s your best shot of keeping her off-line.
Dear Andy: Last week, I went in the emergency room with kidney stones and came out with a baby! How did this happen?? What do I do now???? - Puzzled in Pennsylvania
Dear Puzzled in Pennsylvania: Do I look like an idiot to you? How did this happen! As we all know, babies come from alcohol, while kidney stones come from flaxseed oil. You got drunk, horny, and easy, now you’re going to puke, stretch, and buy a minivan. What do you do now. Pray to God that the flaxseed oil doesn’t kick in.
Dear Andy: Jonathan Swift suggested in an essay from 1729 that he "recommends that Ireland's poor escape their poverty by selling their children as food to the rich." Noting, "I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food...” While a shocking prospect, I wonder what your thoughts are on the subject. Thanks for your work. - Stacey in unincorporated Whatcom County
Dear Stacy: This is one of the most misquoted statements of the early 1700s. You see, it’s a little known fact that Mr. Swift grew up a chicken farmer. Some even say he was still secretly breeding chickens at the time of his death in 1745. His original essay encouraged Ireland’s poor to sell their chickens, not their children. It is believed that Mr. Swift was encouraging the poor to sell their fowl so he could secretly build his own chicken monopoly. In March of 1730 the local chicken farmers caught wind of his scheme. In an effort to cover his tracks, he rewrote the essay to refer to children. Now you know the truth.
Dear Andy: My 4 year old has started licking the windows when angry. Should I put down cayenne or predator powder to prevent him? Todd in Bellingham
Dear Todd: Prevent him? Follow up with a squeegee and you’ve got yourself a home business. Some parents dream of an opportunity like this.
Dear Andy: Our son really wants a dog, but we can’t because my husband is allergic. What’s the best way to explain this to a 5 year old. – Ann in Michigan
Dear Ann: Your husband’s not allergic, he’s faking. Not all, but most people who claim to be allergic to dogs, just don’t like dogs. It doesn’t necessarily make them bad people, just liars and selfish pricks. So, back to your original question, what’s the best way to tell your son he can’t have a dog? Don’t. Tell him he can have that dog because his selfish prick of a father is moving into the small apartment building down the street where the other recently divorced fathers live.
Dear Andy: I was surfing the web today and stumbled upon a partially nude picture of my daughter, she is 19. How should I approach her about it? – Paul in San Diego
Dear Paul: At the moment your daughter holds all the cards. What you need sir, is an ace up your sleeve. Here’s what you do: You and the misses run down to the local Rent-a-center, pick up one of those new HD video cameras, and make yourselves a porno. Those new cameras force every dimple, ripple, and pimple right into focus. Post this beauty on the site, text her the link, and watch your daughter squeal in disgust. She may not take her photo down, but you can walk tall and know you’ve given it your best.
Dear. Andy: My problem isn't so much with my kids, it's with the "casino rent-a-cops." You see, every time I go to the casino to drink and gamble I prefer to leave the kids in the car. This saves me money so I can drink and gamble the money I would use for babysitting. The kids are fine. I always lock the door and leave the windows down. I also make sure there are plenty of Cheetos and lots of Cola products available so they don't get hungry or thirsty. However despite my willingness to make sure the kids are fine while I gamble until 2am, I am constantly being harassed by the casino rent-a-cops as they apparently don't have kids and don't see the benefit of leaving them in the car. Any help here would be appreciated as I am heading down to Tukwila to hit the jackpot again tonight. - Bloated and Broke in Bellingham
Dear Bloated in Bellingham: I used to have the same trouble with my Saint Bernard. The hippies at the co-op kept leaving nasty notes on my windshield telling me my dog was hot, usually written on that goddamn hemp paper. There’s nothing worse than getting a lecture from the 50 year old bagboy at the co-op. Shit, that dog got more baths than he did. Sorry, I got a little off topic there. Here’s what you should do: Set the kids up by the casino entrance with two chairs, a card table, a case of chocolate bars and a big pink ribbon. Bingo, your kids are doing their part to fight breast cancer, you’re making some extra cigarette money, and best of all, it’s now the cop’s job to keep an eye on the wee ones.
Dear Andy: My sons, ages 9 and 11, are constantly arguing in the back seat of the car. How can I make them get along? – Lisa in Bellingham
Dear Lisa: Run out and get yourself a 1969 Chevy Kingswood, that's what my parents did. It's got one of those rear facing seats in the way-back that'll keep your kids quiet, while giving them some serious bonding time. You may get your ass kicked at the next stoplight due to the barrage of middle fingers, pressed hams, and thrown juice boxes flyin' out the rear, but for your trouble you get a 327 with a 4-barrel pushin' power though a TH350 transmission. I'd suggest the addition of a pair of Flowmasters for full cruisin' style.
Dear Andy: My breasts become very sore while nursing. Do you have any suggestions on how to ease the pain? – Mary in Billings
Dear Mary: I can tell you that scrubs don’t offer much in the way of support; a good underwire bra should offer you some relief. Beyond that, I need a little more information. Do you work in the ICU, Med/Surg, or as a floor nurse?
Dear Andy: Is it true that you can’t get pregnant if you have sex in cold water? – Les in Everson
Dear Les: Yes and no. It is true you cannot become pregnant if you have sex in cold water, provided you and your partner are of the same sex. It is possible however, to become pregnant if the sex occurs between a man and a woman; this is where mermaids and ice road truckers come from.
Dear Andy: I love children. I already have one and would love to have several more. However, my co-worker keeps harassing me and telling me that over population is the biggest crisis currently facing the world. I believe this to be true. I consider myself to be committed to sustainability and yet, I fear that if the only people populating the earth are God-fearing right-wing fundamentalists we are going to have an even bigger problem on our hands. To have or not to have, that is the question. Thank you for your sage advice – Courtney in Bellingham
Dear Courtney: First off, your coworker is an ass. The number of children you have is between you, Jesus, and the sperm donor. If you want it bad enough, you can have it all. Here’s how: Get yourself a death row pen pal, the kind you see in those made-for-TV movies. The more he’s killed, the better. If you’re fertile, a conjugal visit or two should do the trick; remember to pack a good antifungal cream. When all is said and done, you can claim the death of the father, and those he has wacked as a kid credit. Bingo, you get a kid, the net population drops, and you get angry prison sex to boot.
Dear Andy: My son, 3-years old, is constantly touching himself… down there. It is becoming quite embarrassing, how can I get him to stop. – Lori in Austin
Dear Lori: “Down there” huh? If you want your son to stop touching his penis, then tell him to stop touching his penis. “Down there”, includes 10 toes (maybe 11 in your case), right up past the poop shoot and on to the “chest circles”. It’s painfully obvious from your tiptoe around the wiener, that the bigger issue here is your lack of self confidence. As for your son, sharpen his nails and the problem will take care of itself.
Dear Andy: My son was told by kids at his school that Santa doesn’t exist. Should I come clean, or tell him Santa is real? – Mike in North Carolina
Dear Mike: Hasn’t this charade gone on long enough? You’ve convinced your son there’s a 400 pound deer musher from Alaska, wrapped from head to toe in red velvet, that travels the skies like a fat fairy delivering toys to good little boys and girls. For Gods sake, listen to yourself; it’s pathetic.
Dear Andy: My 5-yr-old just found the headless bodies in the basement. What is the best way to teach her that Daddy is a vigilante and the tights, cape, and mask are just a representation of his love of justice? - Tim in Bellingham
Dear Tim: If I had a nickel for every time I was asked this one, I'd be a rich man. Shell Silverstein published a book that covers this subject in its entirety. It’s titled, There’s Torsos in my Trunk.
Dear Andy: How do I keep my daughter from crying hysterically whenever she sees the neighbor dressed in a gorilla suit?
Dear Diane: Let's be honest. I can't help you until you want to help yourself. By "daughter", you mean husband. By "neighbor", you mean truck. And by “gorilla suit”, you mean rust. You think your husband is embarrassed by his rusty old truck, but that’s just a cover. The real issue is his self esteem, or lack thereof. You need to get your husband off welfare, out of his pajamas, and off the booze, porn sites, uppers, downers, tweeners, and whatever else this sicko is into. I think we both know your husband really wants to be that gorilla down the street, and he needs you to help him get there.
Dear Andy: When I was 9 months old, I became a bit of a toe sucker. Didn't matter whose, off came the socks and I was sucking away like there was no tomorrow. Now I am much older, and I wish my mother had figured out something--anything--to stop my fetish. So, my question is: how can I learn to stop blaming my mother for making me the most popular boy in school? - Randy in Bellingham
Dear Randy: Randy Feller……. from Lakeville Jr high? If it wasn’t for you, my athletes foot would have never cleared up. Your tongue truly holds magical fungus fighting powers. To answer your question, It’s okay to blame your mother, for she, and mothers like her, are responsible for 50% of the worlds evils. Fathers are equally responsible, but are more likely to kick your ass, so channel your blame towards mom.
Dear Andy: How do I get my 9 month old to stop taking off other babies' socks and sucking on their toes at day care? - Amy in Bellingham
Dear Amy: Don’t, you should nurture his special skill. When gas is $20 a gallon, and he can suck your neighbor’s fuel tank dry in a matter of minutes, you’ll know who to thank.
© Blogger template Webnolia by Ourblogtemplates.com 2009
Back to TOP
