Rent-a-cops crampin' your style

Dear. Andy: My problem isn't so much with my kids, it's with the "casino rent-a-cops." You see, every time I go to the casino to drink and gamble I prefer to leave the kids in the car. This saves me money so I can drink and gamble the money I would use for babysitting. The kids are fine. I always lock the door and leave the windows down. I also make sure there are plenty of Cheetos and lots of Cola products available so they don't get hungry or thirsty. However despite my willingness to make sure the kids are fine while I gamble until 2am, I am constantly being harassed by the casino rent-a-cops as they apparently don't have kids and don't see the benefit of leaving them in the car. Any help here would be appreciated as I am heading down to Tukwila to hit the jackpot again tonight. - Bloated and Broke in Bellingham

Dear Bloated in Bellingham: I used to have the same trouble with my Saint Bernard. The hippies at the co-op kept leaving nasty notes on my windshield telling me my dog was hot, usually written on that goddamn hemp paper. There’s nothing worse than getting a lecture from the 50 year old bagboy at the co-op. Shit, that dog got more baths than he did. Sorry, I got a little off topic there. Here’s what you should do: Set the kids up by the casino entrance with two chairs, a card table, a case of chocolate bars and a big pink ribbon. Bingo, your kids are doing their part to fight breast cancer, you’re making some extra cigarette money, and best of all, it’s now the cop’s job to keep an eye on the wee ones.