Beat back the bullies

Dear Andy: My son is in the 2nd grade and he’s already having trouble with bullies at school. They push him around, steal his lunch money, and taunt him in front of the other children. Do you have any advice on how to make it stop?

Dear Mike: I feel your pain; bullies can be a big problem. Here’s a sure fire solution: Buy your son some black nail polish, a little black eyeliner, and a floor length black leather trench coat. Not only will it keep the other kids at bay, it’ll also ensure you son gets the attention he deserves from the teachers, principal, and even your local school board.