Twins on the way

Dear Andy: My wife is having twins. Is this my fault or hers? – Andrew in Bellingham

Dear Andrew: It doesn’t matter whose fault it is. Twins are a lot of work, so what really matters is that you find a way to shirk the responsibility of caring for the little bastards. Don't get me wrong; to be fair to your wife you need some good excuses. You need to appear as though you want to help, but at the same time, convince your wife that you can’t be trusted. It’s a win-win solution. You are free to go on living your care-free lifestyle, and your wife gets to fully experience the joy of motherhood.