Dear Andy: My son refuses to recycle, how can I make him understand the importance of saving the world? - Kelly in South Hampton
Dear Kelley: Your son is right. If you cycle correctly the first time, you won’t have to recycle later.
Dear Andy: My wife and I are expecting our first baby in a couple months and I was wondering what you think the role of the father is in the delivery room. – Brent in Alger
Dear Brent: Miracle of child birth my ass. You need to do whatever it takes to not get your ass kicked. There’s going to be blood, sweat, and tearing flesh, and she may feel some mild discomfort as well. I suggest you stay calm, remember your breathing exercises, and for god’s sake, keep your privates out of her reach.
Dear Andy: Our daughter Lisa has abandoned her favorite purple flowered skirt simply because another girl who obviously admires Lisa's strong sense of fashion was spotted wearing the identical skirt. Should we force Lisa to wear the skirt? Or should we use it to make matching vest for our beloved dogs Emma and Sophie? Tracey in Wisconsin
Dear Tracey: Once a fashion thief, always a fashion thief. This girl obviously won’t stop until she has stolen Lisa’s entire wardrobe. There’s only one way out of this downward spiral. Yep, you guessed it; that girl needs to be color blinded. I know, it sounds terrible, but it’s the only way.
Dear Andy: Lisa Peterson highly recommended you to me... I have no children but my nephew and nieces were spending the night and found my nude sketch book that I had accidentally thrown in with the coloring books by mistake. Some pictures were drawn solely for the purpose of making my husband laugh and were quite graphic. I fear I have scarred them for life. Now they will only look at me on occasion and say, "Fran, you're sick." Any suggestions? - Fran in Denver
Dear Fran: So, you’re friends with Lisa Peterson huh? And you have no kids, but keep stacks of coloring books in the house? To top it off, you draw sick, perverted sketches that your husband finds hilarious. Damn girl, move the Bellingham, we need more friends like you. As for the kids, just tell them the sketch book was published by a local congressman, they'll understand.
Dear Andy: We had friends from Wisconsin visit recently and they left an udder shaped shot glass in our cupboard. Now our son, who is 3 years old, won’t stop putting it on the end of his penis. He calls it his pee-pee helmet. How should we deal with the issue? – Harkin in Whistler
Dear Harkin: Let you son have his way with the udder. Next time your friends visit, surprise them with a shot of tequila.
Dear Andy: How old is too old for trick-or-treating? – Valerie in Burlington
Dear Valerie: How would I know, I’m only 38. But I’ll let you know when I get there.
Dear Andy: I overheard my son and his girlfriend talking about experimenting with a rusty trombone and a dirty Sanchez. What should I do? - Martha in Ohio
Dear Martha: Make sure they’re up-to-date on their tetanus shots, and I suggest they bone up on their Spanish.
Dear Andy: My son walks around with his pants hanging down like a gangster. That would be fine, but we’re an upper middle class family with two Volvos and a cleaning lady. Should his baggy pants bother me? – Herb in North Dakota
Dear Herb: I’ve got to tell you, those middle class bastards showing the crack drive me nuts. In the hood, it’s born out of necessity, belts are expensive, but in North Dakota? He’s going to get frost bite on his butt cheeks, which will require a long hospital stay, and most likely end in the amputation of one or both of his ass cheeks. Then, on his wedding night when his wife sees the butt prosthesis for the first time and asks, what happened to your ass, he’ll have to answer; I wanted to look like I couldn’t afford a belt. What a jackass.
Dear Andy: When watching movies what’s worse for kids, sex or violence? – Bernie in DC
Dear Bernie: Violence is more damaging to your child, unless the sex includes Rosanne Bahr, then it’s definitely the sex.
Dear Andy: Are comic strips suitable for 5 year olds? – Karen in Tacoma
Dear Karen: It depends on the strip. Peanuts is great for kids and adults of all ages. Dilbert, you’d better stick to 7 and up. As for Cathy, let’s just say if your kid likes Cathy you’ve got bigger issues at hand.
Dear Andy: My 16 year old son refuses to lower the toilet seat after he goes pee. How do I make him understand? – April in Bangor
Dear April: Tape your picture on the bottom of the seat. I guarantee he’ll lower it.
Dear Andy: My son insists he take a multi vitamin every morning, but the news says there is no real benefit. What do you think? Judd in North Carolina
Dear Judd: You’ve got yourself a daughter. There are three steps toward womanhood. Step one is dolls, step two is the multi vitamin, and step three is a love for Innovative Parenting Solutions.
Dear Andy: How much is too much for a weekly allowance? – Gene in Montgomery
Dear Gene: It depends on what you get for your money. For dishes after dinner and taking out the garbage, $10 is the going rate. For dishes, garbage, lawn care, and the occasional white lie, up it to $20. Throw in a three state crime spree, and you’d better pony up.
Dear Andy: My daughter wants a tattoo. What do you think? – Veronica
Dear Veronica: It’s not going to happen, Mr. Villechaize killed himself in September of 1993. I guess the song is true, short people ain’t got no reason to live.
Dear Andy: My daughter wants a peacock for a pet. I checked with the city and they are allowed, but is a peacock really a proper pet? - Jen in Boston
Dear Jen: Peacocks are lazy birds. They just sit around all day, displaying their feathers like their god’s gift to color or something. Everyone knows rainbows hold that title. So here’s what you do. Buy her a chicken and a 6-pack of Krylon. Your daughter can build her own peacock, and you’ll get eggs to boot.
Dear Andy: My daughter Lisa is scared of butterflies. What can I do to help her get over her fear? –Mike in Wisconsin
Dear Mike: I am not a doctor, but I can tell you that the scientific term for Lisa’s condition is Phuckinuts. The most common cause is too much space between the cerebellum and the skull. That doesn’t necessarily indicate a small brain; sometimes a freakishly large skull is to blame. As Lisa sees the butterfly, all the magical colors and frantic flapping send her brain into overdrive, it’s kind of like Michael Jackson at a Boy Scout sleep over. There’s only one cure, an extremely wet climate. The heavy rain tears the wings off the little bastards keeping those afflicted with Phuckinuts safe and sound.
Dear Andy: My son really likes Mountain Do. Yea, you heard me, Mountain Do, he has terrible spelling. He is 16 and the editor for his school newspaper. He published a story about his love for Mountain Do and now he is teased by everyone. Any idea how to help him out of this predicament? – Terry in Las Vegas
Dear Terry: Your kid’s a dumb-ass. Sorry, but it needs to be said. Mountain Do? Unless it’s a volcano, a mountain do nuthin’, just like your son. He’s in way over his head, and a correction like this is just what he needs. Try to steer him into something he can be successful in, like recycling.
Dear Andy: My son won’t eat his vegetables. Should kids be forced to eat foods that they don’t like? – Bill in Boston
Read more...Dear Andy: What’s the best age to have children? – Rhonda in Jersey
Dear Rhonda: Have them when they’re young, it hurts less.
Dear Andy: My daughter loves to go to the Bellingham Farmers Market. There are scented soaps for sale, children’s clothing, jewelry, and of course a few food stands. The problem is it seems every time I go someone keys my Hummer. How can I go to the Farmers Market in Bellingham without a visit to the body shop? – Paul in Bellingham
Dear Paul: I think I’ve seen you at the Bellingham Farmers Market. You’ve got that banana yellow H2 with the 24 inch spinners and the incredibly small penis. No one deserves to be keyed, regardless of how pathetically lame their taste in vehicles is. Here’s the plan: park at the Chevy dealership, trust me, there will be no one there, and then ride the bus downtown where it’s just a short walk to the Farmers Market. Your Hummer is safe, and your daughter still gets to enjoy the 20 something year old homeless girls at the farmers market with the braided pit hair and hemp brassieres.
Dear Andy: Should I let my 9 year old watch cable TV? – Brad in Indianapolis
Dear Brad: If you want to teach your child how to kill with a gun, knife, axe, ice pick, screw driver, lug nut, house cat, or the musical stylings of Celine Dion, cable TV is the way to go. On the other hand, if you want to teach your child important things like how to cook a perfect yam fritter, crossword skills, or horticulture, NPR is probably your best bet. I say you take the middle ground, buy your kid some Legos.
Dear Andy: My wife and I are due to have a child this September. Do you know of a good book on child rearing? – Craig in Nashville
I certainly do not, Craig. You’re one sick son of a bitch.
Dear Andy: Would you please settle a bet between my wife and I. Who is easier to raise, a boy or a girl? – Pete in Westport
Dear Pete: It really depends on the individual child, but girls are usually a little lighter.
Dear Andy: I’m sick and tired of going to the playground with my son. There is no comfortable seating, the grass makes my allergies go nuts, and the kids scream their head off while the parents pay no attention. I need an excuse, can you help? – Terry in Savannah
Dear Terry: I’ve got a plan. Drop your son at the monkey bars. Then start snapping photos of the other children. You need to wear sweat pants and a flannel shirt, and don’t forget the NASCAR cap, that’s key to success. When the other parents see you, they won’t be back, and neither will their children. Everyone knows the playground isn’t any fun by yourself, so you son will be okay with not returning.
Dear Andy: I grew up just fine without a car seat. Now I have a son, and the state requires them for all children under 8 years old. Don’t you think that’s a little ridiculous? Perry in San Francisco
Dear Perry: You sound just like my old friend Carl. Carl never wore his seatbelt, said he didn’t need it. Carl was right in one respect. He was traveling south on Route 62 one evening, when a drunk crossed the centerline and hit his Saab head on. Carl was thrown clear, and hit the ground without a scratch. Seriously, he didn’t even break a nail. Of course a fraction of a second later, a passing 18 wheeler smashed him flat as a pancake, but I chalk that up to bad luck. The moral of Carl’s story is that innovative thinking may save your life, but not for long. Buy the car seat.
Dear Andy: I live in Whatcom County Washington and want to teach my daughter to take the bus instead of always asking me for a ride. But I can’t seem to figure out the Bellingham bus schedule. She is a bright girl, and I hear the WTA, or Whatcom Transportation Authority as it’s called, publishes an easy to follow online Bellingham bus schedule that she should be able to figure out. What do you think? - Terry in Bellingham Washington
Dear Terry: You can’t figure out the Bellingham bus schedule huh? What kind of dumb-ass can’t figure out the bus schedule for Bellingham; it’s Whatcom County for Christ sake? Did you know the WTA bus schedule is world renowned for its easy to follow format? They even shortened the name for you, WTA – Whatcom Transportation Authority. Unfortunately for your daughter, the apple usually doesn’t fall far from the tree. I would suggest you get your girl a bike, but she’d probably end up lost and hop the bus anyway, where she’s end up getting off at the wrong stop, then search and rescue would get involved, and you’d end up on the front page of the paper with the other dumb parents who can’t figure out the Bellingham bus schedule. Just give her the ride; you’ll be doing society a favor.
Dear Andy: My son is supposed to attend Lowell School in Bellingham next year. But the school, which has been closed for a year for seismic upgrades, may remain closed next year as well due to the current economic situation. Some parents in the neighborhood have started a group to save Lowell School. I am torn, should I join the group to save Lowell School, or be fiscally responsible and accept that keeping the school closed for one additional year may be the right thing to do? - Brian in Bellingham
Dear Brian: No one wants their school to close. This reeks of the “not in my neighborhood” plague that has been sweeping the nation over the past couple decades. I would bet my left nut that you live in an upper middle class neighborhood with nice views, lots of foreign cars, and kids that will never know the hurt of lower middle class. If Lowell was an intercity school in another part of town, would your neighbors be up in arms? I think not. Stand proud and support the additional year of Lowell School closure. Think globally, not locally.
Dear Andy: I just got a great new job in a different city. I promised my two girls that they could pick out a new puppy for our new house when we moved in even though they are violently allergic to dog hair. I am now thinking that my promise was foolish and want to re-negotiate. I am afraid they will stop loving me unless I give them what they want. What should I do to be a good father? Money is no object. - Barry in Casablanca
Dear Barry: My wife and I traveled Morocco a few years ago. All of the locals said, “Don’t go to Casablanca, Casablanca not for tourists”. Let me tell you, they were right. That city has issues. The place is falling apart. What does this have to do with a puppy for your Daughters? Not much, it just tells me a little something about your decision making skills. Since you moved your girls to that pit you call a city, I think it only fair that you get your girls get a pony.
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