Dear Andy: My son is not really college material. He tries really hard, but just can’t seem to get good grades. What’s a good next step if college doesn’t work out? – Carl in Minneapolis
Dear Carl: No one wants a career as a dishwasher. But “hydro porcelain technician” has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
Dear Andy: I'm not a parent, but as an uncle I sometimes wonder where to draw the line when teaching my 4-year-old nephew about things his parents won't - like firecrackers, annoying catch phrases, and prostitutes. The question is, as a responsible uncle where do I draw the line? For instance, we've already been distilling moonshine together, but I'm not sure if teaching him to cook meth is maybe crossing the line. You are a man of great wisdom, please enlighten me. - John from Kitsap
Dear John: You have so much to learn. There’s a really easy method of deciding what is okay:
If they’d do it on The Simpsons, it’s okay.
If they’d do it on South Park, it’s a strong maybe.
If they’d do it south of the Mason Dixon line, you’re a sick bastard.
Stick to these simple rules, and you’ll be just fine.
Dear Andy: My son is graduating from high school this year. What’s the best graduation gift for a young man entering the workforce? – Mike in Kansas City
Dear Mike: Give him your 401k; it won’t cost you a cent.
Dear Andy: We are going on a family holiday to Hawaii next week. How do I keep my 2 year old son quiet on the airplane? – Alice in Texas
Dear Alice: Let your son do his thing, I have an easier solution. Pass out earplugs and buy a couple drinks for everyone within two rows of your son. Def and drunk travelers are much more tolerant.
Dear Andy: My wife of seven years really wants kids, but I do not. Is there hope for our marriage? – Thomas in Algona
Dear Thomas: That’s tough problem, the decision to have kids can weigh heavily on a marriage. Luckily I have a solution that will work for both of you. Let your wife pick up after you, cook for you, and wash your clothes. She can throw big birthday parties for you and your friends, drive you places, and wash behind your ears. In return you can eat the food that she prepares, spend her money, and throw a tantrum when things don’t turn out the way you want. She’ll have a child, and you’ll be living every man’s dream.
Dear Andy: My daughter just turned 15 and is now eligible for her learners permit. I want to teach her to drive, but I really like my car and worry the clutch will never be the same. – Paul in Sumner
Dear Paul: It’s not the clutch you need to worry about. Your daughter and her sperm donor are going to treat the back seat of your car like a king size bed at the Bunny Ranch. Hope you like grand kids!
Dear Andy: My 4 year old son insists on throwing his food in restaurants. Do you have any suggestions? – Todd in Vancouver
Dear Todd: Tip well.
Dear Andy: I have two sons who have been fighting a lot lately. How do I deal with their sibling rivalry? – Susan in Chicago
Dear Susan: Put the dominant son on steroids. The bigger he gets, the more accommodating your other son will be. They will learn to get along just fine, aside from the occasional roid-rage that is.
Dear Andy: How old should a child be before they get their first cell phone? – Kelly in Port Moody
Dear Kelly: Hook you kid up with a land-line. Cell phones are one of the top causes of automobile accidents, cancer, and alcoholism. And, just like snowboarding, this fad is on its way out.
Dear Andy: Is spanking really so wrong? - Old School in Las Vegas
Dear Old School: I enjoy a good spanking as much as the next guy. Give me your number and maybe we can hook up.
Dear Andy: Diapers are incredibly expensive. Do you know of an alternative solution? – Mike in San Jose
Dear Mike: Slip the warehouse manager at your local Costco a $20 and he’ll leave a couple cases out back for you.
Dear Andy: What’s the best solution for telling our daughter that her mother and I have filed for divorce? – Gregg in Minneapolis.
Dear Gregg: A picture is worth a thousand words. Just cut your wife out of the family photos and sooner or later, your daughter will get the point.
Dear Andy: I’m ready to move my son into the “pee in big toilet” stage. Any suggestions? – Dawn in Dallas
Dear Dawn: Lift the seat.
Dear Andy: What’s your position on breast feeding in public? – Sally in Eugene
Dear Sally: I like it so much I bought a camera phone.
Dear Andy: I have always been a vegetarian, even bordering on vegan. My daughter is 16 and has decided that she now wants to eat meat. How do I convince her that eating meat is cruel? – Linda in Kansas City
Dear Linda: My great grandfather was killed by a dairy cow. I won’t go into details, but rest assured, it was udderly disturbing. If you think for one second that a cow wouldn’t eat you if it had the chance, think again. Why do you think they keep them in fences? So, when your daughter eats a burger don’t think of it as killing, think of it as vengeance.
Dear Andy: My wife is having twins. Is this my fault or hers? – Andrew in Bellingham
Dear Andrew: It doesn’t matter whose fault it is. Twins are a lot of work, so what really matters is that you find a way to shirk the responsibility of caring for the little bastards. Don't get me wrong; to be fair to your wife you need some good excuses. You need to appear as though you want to help, but at the same time, convince your wife that you can’t be trusted. It’s a win-win solution. You are free to go on living your care-free lifestyle, and your wife gets to fully experience the joy of motherhood.
Dear Andy: My son will be entering elementary school next fall. Is public school acceptable, or should I consider private or home school? – Larry in Virginia
Dear Larry: The choice is yours - an education that ends in tech school, beaten senseless by blood thirsty nuns, or a kid with the social skills of a 100 year old virgin tortoise.
Dear Andy: Your photograph on your web site looks like Sarah Palin with a beard. Can I really trust your judgment or are you just another media invention? - Disillusioned in San Francisco
Dear Disillusioned: Thanks for the compliment, Sarah looks beautiful in a beard. Let me tell you why you can trust my judgment. I live in Bellingham WA, and I can see the Alaska ferry terminal from my house. And as everyone knows, you can see Russia from Alaska. Therefore, there’s just two degrees of separation between me, and the “almost” vice leader of the free world.
Dear Andy: I like co-sleeping but I keep waking up with my baby wedged between my legs as it helps the tension in my lower lumbar. My husband thinks this is wrong. – Amy in Bellingham
Dear Amy: I haven’t tried the lumbar wedge, but I can tell you that fat kids make the best pillows.
Dear Andy: My baby is almost 3 and hasn't breast fed since he was 12 months old. He has this habit of touching my breasts whenever he can. I don't mind this but I am afraid that he might do this in public or even worse, he might try this with my wife or another woman. Please help! – Andrew in Bellingham
Dear Andrew: So you’ve got yourself a groper. I suggest you complete the ensemble with a little trench coat, ankle bracelet, and a dirty, old, rusted-out, windowless van.
Dear Andy: My son, a 16 year old junior, has begun to sell marijuana to make some money. Frankly, I admire the entrepreneurial spirit. His dilemma is whether to sell the cheap rag weed or the more expensive product. He tells me he can make more money with a high volume turnover of cheaper weed but I feel he would be exposed to a more sophisticated clientele dealing a more luxury product. What should I tell him? Stoned and Awaiting my Tithe in Wisconsin.
Dear SATW: Stick with the rag weed. The “Sophisticated clientele” of whom you speak are real dirt bags. These hippie-yuppie hybrids really think they’re something. Driving around in their BMWs and all wheel drive Audis, these pathetic losers present themselves as true high class, all the while knowing they’re just one toke way from a meth addicted prostitute.
Dear Andy: My son is a tad hyperactive. I drank a lot of coffee and ate a lot of sugar when I was pregnant. Am I to blame? – Amy in Bellingham
Dear Amy: Blame is such a strong word, but appropriate in this case. You have created a monster. Here’s a little peek into your future:
Age 5 - Finally out of diapers
Age 8 - Burns down the house with waffle maker
Age 12 thru 15 - The juvie years
Age 16 - Gets the neighbor girl pregnant
Age 17 - AA
Age 24 - First job, Taco Bell
Age 28 - Back in diapers
There is an upside. You get to keep the college fund.
Dear Andy: My daughter is teething and likes to suck on my empty beer bottles. Do the left over beer fumes pose a hazard? – Todd in Bellingham
Dear Todd: Beer fumes will have no ill effect on children. But they do present another, far more serious problem. Yea, you know what I’m talking about, the dreaded beer fume baby farts. While they make up only .00001% of all known fumes, they are responsible for up to 78% of drywall damage in the tri-state region.
Dear Andy: How do I get my 10 month old to nap at day care? – Amy in Bellingham
Dear Amy: What part of the word “day care” don’t you understand? Day = awake, night = asleep. It begs the question, are you raising a bat?
Dear Andy: I attended a handful of Mommy and me classes and now I regret it. I hated the other mommies. These Stepford wives keep sending me evite invitations for baby book clubs and baby plasticware and I don't want to go! Do I have to? – Amy in Bellingham
Dear Amy: From your letter, I can see that the real issue here is your inability to say no. That’s not a bad thing. You strive to please, and that’s an admirable quality. I see only one way out of this stalemate, pee on the host’s toilet seat. It’s amazing what a little well placed urine can do.
Dear Andy: I'd like your thoughts on trying to raise children while having a wife who is a liar. For instance, one of your posters stated in a "question" that she needed guidance on raising a perfect child (January 15). Two days later, she seeks advice on her son's pink eye. Now, there are either a hell of a lot of "Allisons" in Missoula. Allison has a hell of a lot of sons. Or Allison is a hell of a liar about having a perfect son. Come on! Perfect? With pink eye? No way. Yuck! - Just another liar's husband in Bellingham
Dear JALHIB: By putting others down, you seek to build yourself up. I can think of no worse trait in a man than attempting to cover his insecurities by making fun of others. You’re stupid, lazy, ugly, and your scrotum has stretched beyond recognition. I hope every time you take a seat, you sit on your balls……..sorry, my mistake, you don’t have any.
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