Dear Andy: My son turns 12 next week. How old should he be before I let him open a Facebook account? – Theresa in L.A.
Dear Theresa: Facebook really isn’t for kids; it’s for middle age parents who want to spy on their kids. Do yourself a favor and sign him up immediately.
Dear Andy: Our son cries constantly at night and my wife and I are at our wits end. We generally don’t get more than two or three hours of sleep a night. What is the best way to make him sleep? – Mark in Phoenix
Dear Mark: You’re making this too complicated. Just get a night job.
Dear Andy: What’s the best way to get my child to sleep through the night? – Mark in Las Vegas
Dear Mark: Two words, Bluegrass music. It’s the number one cause of narcolepsy and night sweats.
Dear Andy: My son stole a candy bar from the grocery store last week. He felt bad and confessed a couple days later. What’s a suitable punishment? – Steve in Mississippi
Dear Steve: Take him to the mall and make him steal you an iPod; then turn him in. He’ll learn his lesson, and you’ll get an iPod.
Dear Andy: How should I teach my son about sex? – Pat in Mississippi
Dear Pat: Just like everyone else in the south, make him sleep with his cousin.
Dear Andy: At what age should I start a checking account for my son? – Clark in Phoenix
Dear Clark: Do it when you’re young. That way you have time to replenish it after your son drains it.
Dear Andy: What's your stance on children and alcohol? Is a sip of wine with a dinner okay for my 12 year old son. - Al in Virginia.
Dear Al: Is a little bit of meth okay; maybe just a touch of assault with a deadly weapon? Wine is step one, and theft is step two. Don’t worry about step three; you’ll be dead before you see it coming.
Dear Andy: I have a 16 year old son who is athletically gifted. What sport should I steer him towards? – Maggie in Taos
Dear Maggie: There are three levels of sporting:
Athletic – These are the sports that make you a man – football, soccer, running….
Non-athletic – These are the fat guy sports – Baseball, bowling, golf, etc.
Mississippi – These include shooting at appliances, drinking and driving, and spouse abuse.
If your son is truly athletic, he’ll excel in the athletic and non-athletic sports. If he’s a dumb-shit with a confederate flag hanging off the back of his 74 Ford pick-up, he’s all Mississippi.
Dear Andy: My son gave her mother and me nicknames. He calls me Fun Balls, and my wife Winky Shrinker. I don’t understand this new slang. Is he insulting us, or are these terms of endearment? – Mike in Wisconsin
Dear Mike: Good news for you, but not so good for your beautiful wife. Fun Balls is a combination of the words funicular, and ballerina. Basically he is saying you are strong, can climb steep hills, and are a very good dancer. Winky Shrinker on the other hand is the combination of the words testicle and sucker. Apparently your son wants to teabag his mother.
Dear Andy: My son refuses to recycle, how can I make him understand the importance of saving the world? - Kelly in South Hampton
Dear Kelley: Your son is right. If you cycle correctly the first time, you won’t have to recycle later.
Dear Andy: I overheard my son and his girlfriend talking about experimenting with a rusty trombone and a dirty Sanchez. What should I do? - Martha in Ohio
Dear Martha: Make sure they’re up-to-date on their tetanus shots, and I suggest they bone up on their Spanish.
Dear Andy: My 16 year old son refuses to lower the toilet seat after he goes pee. How do I make him understand? – April in Bangor
Dear April: Tape your picture on the bottom of the seat. I guarantee he’ll lower it.
Dear Andy: My son really likes Mountain Do. Yea, you heard me, Mountain Do, he has terrible spelling. He is 16 and the editor for his school newspaper. He published a story about his love for Mountain Do and now he is teased by everyone. Any idea how to help him out of this predicament? – Terry in Las Vegas
Dear Terry: Your kid’s a dumb-ass. Sorry, but it needs to be said. Mountain Do? Unless it’s a volcano, a mountain do nuthin’, just like your son. He’s in way over his head, and a correction like this is just what he needs. Try to steer him into something he can be successful in, like recycling.
Dear Andy: I’m sick and tired of going to the playground with my son. There is no comfortable seating, the grass makes my allergies go nuts, and the kids scream their head off while the parents pay no attention. I need an excuse, can you help? – Terry in Savannah
Dear Terry: I’ve got a plan. Drop your son at the monkey bars. Then start snapping photos of the other children. You need to wear sweat pants and a flannel shirt, and don’t forget the NASCAR cap, that’s key to success. When the other parents see you, they won’t be back, and neither will their children. Everyone knows the playground isn’t any fun by yourself, so you son will be okay with not returning.
Dear Andy: I grew up just fine without a car seat. Now I have a son, and the state requires them for all children under 8 years old. Don’t you think that’s a little ridiculous? Perry in San Francisco
Dear Perry: You sound just like my old friend Carl. Carl never wore his seatbelt, said he didn’t need it. Carl was right in one respect. He was traveling south on Route 62 one evening, when a drunk crossed the centerline and hit his Saab head on. Carl was thrown clear, and hit the ground without a scratch. Seriously, he didn’t even break a nail. Of course a fraction of a second later, a passing 18 wheeler smashed him flat as a pancake, but I chalk that up to bad luck. The moral of Carl’s story is that innovative thinking may save your life, but not for long. Buy the car seat.
Dear Andy: My son is not really college material. He tries really hard, but just can’t seem to get good grades. What’s a good next step if college doesn’t work out? – Carl in Minneapolis
Dear Carl: No one wants a career as a dishwasher. But “hydro porcelain technician” has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
Dear Andy: My son is graduating from high school this year. What’s the best graduation gift for a young man entering the workforce? – Mike in Kansas City
Dear Mike: Give him your 401k; it won’t cost you a cent.
Dear Andy: We are going on a family holiday to Hawaii next week. How do I keep my 2 year old son quiet on the airplane? – Alice in Texas
Dear Alice: Let your son do his thing, I have an easier solution. Pass out earplugs and buy a couple drinks for everyone within two rows of your son. Def and drunk travelers are much more tolerant.
Dear Andy: My 4 year old son insists on throwing his food in restaurants. Do you have any suggestions? – Todd in Vancouver
Dear Todd: Tip well.
Dear Andy: I’m ready to move my son into the “pee in big toilet” stage. Any suggestions? – Dawn in Dallas
Dear Dawn: Lift the seat.
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