Dear Andy: My son turns 12 next week. How old should he be before I let him open a Facebook account? – Theresa in L.A.
Dear Theresa: Facebook really isn’t for kids; it’s for middle age parents who want to spy on their kids. Do yourself a favor and sign him up immediately.
Dear Andy: Should I provide alcohol for my son so he drinks at home instead of out where he is driving around. Linda in Atlanta
Dear Linda: Yes, and please adopt me and my friends.
Dear Andy: My son loves Coffee. Is it harmful to kids under the age of 10? – Aaron in Jersey
Dear Aaron: Yes, it stunts their growth. But think of it as an opportunity. You’ll save thousands on clothing.
Dear Andy: Is Innovative Parenting Solutions appropriate for children under 10? – Lindsay in Springfield
Dear Lindsay: Yes, yes, and yes. Innovative Parenting Solutions is good for all ages, 3 months to 130 years. I don’t mean to brag, but I have helped the world’s children in a way that only Jesus, Santa, and the Easter Bunny have before me. It turns out people can’t help but love things that are completely made up.
Dear Andy: Are video games bad for kids? – Jack in Florida
Dear Jack: Not necessarily. If they’re good at it, consider it a calling. On the other hand, if they suck, you may want to keep them away from the Atari. There’s nothing sadder than a geek that just can’t quite pull it off.
Dear Andy: What’s the perfect number of kids to have? – Merv in Vancouver
Dear Merv: The average American has 2.5 kids. The average American house is 2,500 square feet. Coincidence, I think not. The average kid can clean 1,000 square feet. How big is your house???
Dear Andy: I love my cats more than my kids. What should I do? – Tina in Memphis
Dear Tina: Buy a dog.
Dear Andy: Should I allow my kids to play with fireworks this Fourth of July? – Hank in Ohio
Dear Hank: 4 out of 5 neighborhood mailboxes say no.
Dear Andy: Are comic strips suitable for 5 year olds? – Karen in Tacoma
Dear Karen: It depends on the strip. Peanuts is great for kids and adults of all ages. Dilbert, you’d better stick to 7 and up. As for Cathy, let’s just say if your kid likes Cathy you’ve got bigger issues at hand.
Dear Andy: My son won’t eat his vegetables. Should kids be forced to eat foods that they don’t like? – Bill in Boston
Read more...Dear Andy: I’m sick and tired of going to the playground with my son. There is no comfortable seating, the grass makes my allergies go nuts, and the kids scream their head off while the parents pay no attention. I need an excuse, can you help? – Terry in Savannah
Dear Terry: I’ve got a plan. Drop your son at the monkey bars. Then start snapping photos of the other children. You need to wear sweat pants and a flannel shirt, and don’t forget the NASCAR cap, that’s key to success. When the other parents see you, they won’t be back, and neither will their children. Everyone knows the playground isn’t any fun by yourself, so you son will be okay with not returning.
Dear Andy: My wife of seven years really wants kids, but I do not. Is there hope for our marriage? – Thomas in Algona
Dear Thomas: That’s tough problem, the decision to have kids can weigh heavily on a marriage. Luckily I have a solution that will work for both of you. Let your wife pick up after you, cook for you, and wash your clothes. She can throw big birthday parties for you and your friends, drive you places, and wash behind your ears. In return you can eat the food that she prepares, spend her money, and throw a tantrum when things don’t turn out the way you want. She’ll have a child, and you’ll be living every man’s dream.
Dear. Andy: My problem isn't so much with my kids, it's with the "casino rent-a-cops." You see, every time I go to the casino to drink and gamble I prefer to leave the kids in the car. This saves me money so I can drink and gamble the money I would use for babysitting. The kids are fine. I always lock the door and leave the windows down. I also make sure there are plenty of Cheetos and lots of Cola products available so they don't get hungry or thirsty. However despite my willingness to make sure the kids are fine while I gamble until 2am, I am constantly being harassed by the casino rent-a-cops as they apparently don't have kids and don't see the benefit of leaving them in the car. Any help here would be appreciated as I am heading down to Tukwila to hit the jackpot again tonight. - Bloated and Broke in Bellingham
Dear Bloated in Bellingham: I used to have the same trouble with my Saint Bernard. The hippies at the co-op kept leaving nasty notes on my windshield telling me my dog was hot, usually written on that goddamn hemp paper. There’s nothing worse than getting a lecture from the 50 year old bagboy at the co-op. Shit, that dog got more baths than he did. Sorry, I got a little off topic there. Here’s what you should do: Set the kids up by the casino entrance with two chairs, a card table, a case of chocolate bars and a big pink ribbon. Bingo, your kids are doing their part to fight breast cancer, you’re making some extra cigarette money, and best of all, it’s now the cop’s job to keep an eye on the wee ones.
Dear Andy: My sons, ages 9 and 11, are constantly arguing in the back seat of the car. How can I make them get along? – Lisa in Bellingham
Dear Lisa: Run out and get yourself a 1969 Chevy Kingswood, that's what my parents did. It's got one of those rear facing seats in the way-back that'll keep your kids quiet, while giving them some serious bonding time. You may get your ass kicked at the next stoplight due to the barrage of middle fingers, pressed hams, and thrown juice boxes flyin' out the rear, but for your trouble you get a 327 with a 4-barrel pushin' power though a TH350 transmission. I'd suggest the addition of a pair of Flowmasters for full cruisin' style.
Dear Andy: I love children. I already have one and would love to have several more. However, my co-worker keeps harassing me and telling me that over population is the biggest crisis currently facing the world. I believe this to be true. I consider myself to be committed to sustainability and yet, I fear that if the only people populating the earth are God-fearing right-wing fundamentalists we are going to have an even bigger problem on our hands. To have or not to have, that is the question. Thank you for your sage advice – Courtney in Bellingham
Dear Courtney: First off, your coworker is an ass. The number of children you have is between you, Jesus, and the sperm donor. If you want it bad enough, you can have it all. Here’s how: Get yourself a death row pen pal, the kind you see in those made-for-TV movies. The more he’s killed, the better. If you’re fertile, a conjugal visit or two should do the trick; remember to pack a good antifungal cream. When all is said and done, you can claim the death of the father, and those he has wacked as a kid credit. Bingo, you get a kid, the net population drops, and you get angry prison sex to boot.
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