Don't make him talk

Dear Andy: Our little Larry is 4 years old and refuses to talk. How can we make him understand the importance of speaking when he knows he can get what he wants by motioning and pointing? Or should we enroll him in martial arts to prepare for a future as a secret agent? How much do traffic cops get paid? Looking forward to your innovative insight. - Your faithful student, Jim

Dear Jim: I feel your son is stuck in a box. I see mime school in his future.

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The college fund

Dear Andy: I want to prepare a financial nest egg for my darling daughter's future college education. Should I buy gold bars or US Treasury Bonds? - Floyd in Alger

Dear Floyd: Only a complete idiot buys in this economy. And since your daughter shares the genes of an idiot, save your money, a college fund is unnecessary.

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Sucking CO2

Dear Andy: When the oxygen masks drop in the airplane, should I help my child first, or put my mask on first? – Doug in New Jersey

Dear Doug: Definitely put your mask on first. If you don’t, while you’re sucking CO2 and fighting consciousness struggling to put the mask on your kid, the stewardess will sign you up for one of those damn frequent flyer bonus miles credit cards that charges you $75 a year and gives you discounts at the Motel 6 in Fargo. I say no. Put your mask on first and save the $75.

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Tragic consequences

Dear Andy: My 11 year old son had a girl over to watch movies after school and they sat together on the couch. I think their hands may have touched. Is that okay, or is he a little too young for physical contact? – Diane in Bellingham


Dear Diane: Here’s how it goes down:
1. Your son touches hands with the girl.
2. She convinces him your tuna casserole is lousy.
3. His grades slip.
4. He’s expelled from school, turns to a life of crime, and perishes in a tragic hotel fire.

If you love your son, keep that dirty wench off the sofa.

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Kids belong inside

Dear Andy: My son wanted to go outside yesterday. I am very worried. Outside it can be cold, and sometimes it is hot. There are germs and squirrels and strangers. I would be much happier if he only stayed inside and did something much more safe, like play video games, watch TV, or just stare at the wall. How can I best steer him in a positive non socially invasive manner? - A. F. Raid

Dear AF: Here’s one I have to agree with. History’s most prominent killers, dictators, and thieves have one thing in common, they all went outside. That’s why today’s best parents turn to TV and video games to raise their children. Outside is full of wolves, bears, cars, mowers, and rope swings. I have only one word to describe parents who expose their children to the outside: pathetic, irresponsible, lame-ass, inside-phobic morons. Together Wii can make a difference.

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A little misunderstanding

Dear Andy: My boyfriend wants to name our child Jismine and call her Jizzie for short. Is this wrong? Help! - PPTC (Possible Parent of a Tortured Child) in Bellingham

Dear PPTC: Don’t worry; this is a very common misunderstanding. If I had to guess, I would say your boyfriend is from the south, probably Louisiana. How do I know you ask? It’s his accent. You heard Jismine, but what he said was Jasmine. My spell check concurs; try in yourself if you don’t believe me. And personally, I think Jazzie is really nice nickname. Of course when my spell check removes the accent, it comes back “Jazzier”, which seems a little presumptuous, don’t you think?

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No longer friends

Dear Andy: I invited another parent on Facebook to join your group and now they are no longer friends with me. What happened? - Amy in Bellingham

Dear Amy: It’s not your fault. Your friend feels threatened by my straight talk and innovative parenting solutions. In one sentence, you’ve told me more that I need to know about your so-called friend. She’s a narcissistic, self centered bitch that’s hell-bent on destroying your relationship with your child, your husband, and most importantly, your love for Innovative Parenting Solutions, the website dedicated to finding innovative answers for tough parenting questions. Lose your friend and log on, I’m here to help.

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The coed slumber party

Dear Andy: How old should my Daughter be before I let her attend a coed slumber party? – Carl in Phoenix

Dear Carl: 42

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Booze, stink, and sex

Dear Andy: My son has taken a virginity pledge. Does that make him less of a man? Jill in Philadelphia

Dear Jill: Men are made of equal parts booze, stink, and sex. When you remove the sex, you’re left with stink and booze. So yes, your son is now two-thirds of a man.

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Stinky painting solution

Dear Andy: My son just made a great painting of Bode Miller out of poop on my wall. Should I let it dry and enjoy this stinky, wonderful painting or should I clean it off quickly. The corn sort of looks like death cookies. It's pretty cool, but smells. Respond quickly! - Toby AKA Spoda in Missoula

Dear Toby: Here’s what you do. Step 1 -Take a long stiff knife and cut that chunk of drywall out. Step 2 - Laquer the poop and surround it with a nice frame. Now you’ve got a presentable piece. Step 3 - Rename your kid something artsy like Didier Couche or Carlo Janka. 4th and final step – Ship the signed painting to Hollywood, auction for six-figures, and laugh all the way to the bank. Californians love shitty paintings.

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