Go in, or let him cry it out

Dear Facebook friends: What happened to my great sleeper? Since he turned two, he's been fighting it. So torn between going in or letting him cry it out. Neither seems to work. Argh!!! – Amy in Bellingham

Dear Amy: I guess you think owning two cows and a golden egg in Farmville makes you a parenting expert. Not even close! This decision is made only by you. Thirty years from now when the toothless, meth soaked shell of your former self has moved back in with your grown son, and you’re crying your diapered ass to sleep, the decision will be his. Will he, A – come in and comfort you, or B - let you cry it out.

The decision is yours.

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What happens to ugly babies

Dear Andy: I always hear parents bragging about their beautiful babies but not much is said about the ugly babies. My question is what happens to ugly babies? - Amy in Seattle

Dear Amy: It’s a dirty little secret that parents of ugly babies would rather I not talk about, but I think you deserve to know the truth. Ugly babies are refined into baby oil.

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How old should my son be to open a Facebook account

Dear Andy: My son turns 12 next week. How old should he be before I let him open a Facebook account? – Theresa in L.A.

Dear Theresa: Facebook really isn’t for kids; it’s for middle age parents who want to spy on their kids. Do yourself a favor and sign him up immediately.

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Jesus on the iron

A Massachusetts women just found Jesus on the bottom of her iron. She says it’s a sign that "life is going to be good for her child”.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but scorching your messiah with a 400 degree iron is a step in the wrong direction.

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The Vow of Silence

I have a friend who's daughter fell in love with a guy during their two month vow of silence. How does she know he's not a def mute? Seems like quite a gamble to me.

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What if you don't want a pair

Don’t you find it odd that you can’t buy one pant, you must buy a pair?

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I don't like what that represents

You know when you're drinking from the sink at work and someone flushes the toilet, there's that brief change in water pressure. I don't like that.

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Safe Cycling

Don’t want your kid to get run over by a redneck while riding his bike? Dress him in a red, white, and blue Jersey. Hicks may hate cyclists, but they would never run over the flag.

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Canadian national anthem

I love the Canadian national anthem. Too bad they never play it at the Olympics.

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Are engineers a little odd

Dear Andy: Is it just me, or are engineers just a little bit odd? – Daryl in Phoenix

Dear Daryl: Yes, Engineers are a little odd. Research shows it’s due to the long work days, constant noise from the machinery, and the overall monotony of the job. If you ask me, which you did, driving a train really doesn’t seem that tough.

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Make your own Michael Jackson action figure

Ingredients:
1 - Ken doll
1 - Propane torch
1 - Can white acrylic paint

You know the rest.

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Andy, where have you been

Dear Andy: Why haven't you been posting lately? I miss you daily insight and solutions. - Carrie in Lander Wyoming

Dear Carrie: Go back to your sheep shearing or whatever the hell you back-woods hillbillies do. I get tired of your whining complaints just as much as you kids do, no wonder they won’t stop crying. You make me sick! I’ll post when I want, and how I want. If you don’t like it, I’m sure Oprah will be happy to fill your ass full of sunshine in my absence.

Love, Andy

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Drinking at home

Dear Andy: Should I provide alcohol for my son so he drinks at home instead of out where he is driving around. Linda in Atlanta

Dear Linda: Yes, and please adopt me and my friends.

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Son cries at night

Dear Andy: Our son cries constantly at night and my wife and I are at our wits end. We generally don’t get more than two or three hours of sleep a night. What is the best way to make him sleep? – Mark in Phoenix

Dear Mark: You’re making this too complicated. Just get a night job.

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World parenting styles

Dear Andy: How do parenting styles differ in the various countries you have recently visited? I am VERY interested! – Amy in Bellingham

Dear Amy: In the US, kids are told they can be anything they want to be. What a crock. I wanted to be a frickin’ truck driver. I even had my handle picked out – Diesel Trucker. But my dad had other ideas and sent me off to business school. Now they just call me Mr. Wallis. Anyway, here’s a quick rundown of some observations from my recent travels:

• Russia – Poor bastard kids never have a chance. They’re beaten daily with a hammer and cycle.
• Mongolia- there’s only one career choice in Mongolia. All kids are trained as wall breaker downers.
• China-If you’re a girl, your job is to be adopted by a nice wealthy American family. If you’re a boy, you will be raised to fight off the Mongolians.
• France- French girls are raised to be dainty and feminine, just like the boys.
  

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kids and coffee

Dear Andy: My son loves Coffee. Is it harmful to kids under the age of 10? – Aaron in Jersey

Dear Aaron: Yes, it stunts their growth. But think of it as an opportunity. You’ll save thousands on clothing.

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American or Canadian

Dear Andy: I am American, and my wife is Canadian. We just had a daughter and can choose her primary nationality. Should we choose US or Canada? – Jim in Michigan

Dear Jim: Definitely choose US citizenship. Canadian’s are too damn nice. If you stop to think about it, it’s really quite pathetic. They walk around with that stupid “can I help you find something” look on their faces. They remind me of some of those born again Christians; you know who I’m talking about, the ones who are so full of God’s love that they’re peeing rainbows. You need just a touch of surly to balance out the nice, that’s the American way.

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The dreaded roundabout

Dear Andy: I have a 38 year old daughter that has just gotten her license. Recently our area has approved to put in 41 roundabouts within a 60 mile radius. I am terrified; we were recently stuck in a roundabout one afternoon while going out to lunch. 10 passes later and we finally got out. How do I teach her to get through the roundabouts without panic? Stephanie in Wisconsin

Dear Stephanie: Here in Washington we call them the satan's ring of fire. I know a guy who entered a circle back in the spring of ’87 and he’s still goin’ round. There is only one rule for successfully navigating a traffic circle: don’t fuck up!

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Save a buck with a finer cut

Dear Andy: In addition to providing fine parenting advice, I understand you're quite the whiz in the kitchen, too. Do you have any suggestions for stretching the ever narrowing dollar to feed a growing family? I heard you have a great recipe for a bacony potato salad... – Susan in Bellingham

Dear Susan: Yea, you heard right, I’m quite a bad-ass with the meat hammer. What I’ve learned through my many years of innovative cooking is that it’s all about the secret ingredient. Of course I can’t divulge my secret, but let’s just say that you are correct, I’m a “whiz” in the kitchen.

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Sleepless son

Dear Andy: What’s the best way to get my child to sleep through the night? – Mark in Las Vegas

Dear Mark: Two words, Bluegrass music. It’s the number one cause of narcolepsy and night sweats.

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