The dreaded roundabout

Dear Andy: I have a 38 year old daughter that has just gotten her license. Recently our area has approved to put in 41 roundabouts within a 60 mile radius. I am terrified; we were recently stuck in a roundabout one afternoon while going out to lunch. 10 passes later and we finally got out. How do I teach her to get through the roundabouts without panic? Stephanie in Wisconsin

Dear Stephanie: Here in Washington we call them the satan's ring of fire. I know a guy who entered a circle back in the spring of ’87 and he’s still goin’ round. There is only one rule for successfully navigating a traffic circle: don’t fuck up!

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Save a buck with a finer cut

Dear Andy: In addition to providing fine parenting advice, I understand you're quite the whiz in the kitchen, too. Do you have any suggestions for stretching the ever narrowing dollar to feed a growing family? I heard you have a great recipe for a bacony potato salad... – Susan in Bellingham

Dear Susan: Yea, you heard right, I’m quite a bad-ass with the meat hammer. What I’ve learned through my many years of innovative cooking is that it’s all about the secret ingredient. Of course I can’t divulge my secret, but let’s just say that you are correct, I’m a “whiz” in the kitchen.

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Sleepless son

Dear Andy: What’s the best way to get my child to sleep through the night? – Mark in Las Vegas

Dear Mark: Two words, Bluegrass music. It’s the number one cause of narcolepsy and night sweats.

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Making bath time more fun

Dear Andy: My 2 year old daughter hates taking baths. Any ideas for making bath time more fun? – Kate in Fargo

Dear Kate: Your daughters pouting will be much more fun if you’re enjoying a nice glass of cognac.

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My son is a thief

Dear Andy: My son stole a candy bar from the grocery store last week. He felt bad and confessed a couple days later. What’s a suitable punishment? – Steve in Mississippi

Dear Steve: Take him to the mall and make him steal you an iPod; then turn him in. He’ll learn his lesson, and you’ll get an iPod.

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IPS and kids

Dear Andy: Is Innovative Parenting Solutions appropriate for children under 10? – Lindsay in Springfield

Dear Lindsay: Yes, yes, and yes. Innovative Parenting Solutions is good for all ages, 3 months to 130 years. I don’t mean to brag, but I have helped the world’s children in a way that only Jesus, Santa, and the Easter Bunny have before me. It turns out people can’t help but love things that are completely made up.

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Kids and video games

Dear Andy: Are video games bad for kids? – Jack in Florida

Dear Jack: Not necessarily. If they’re good at it, consider it a calling. On the other hand, if they suck, you may want to keep them away from the Atari. There’s nothing sadder than a geek that just can’t quite pull it off.

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Car sick

Dear Andy: My daughter gets car sick every time we go on a long trip. What’s the best solution? – Debbie in Halifax

Dear Debbie: Take a bus.

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Sun's UV rays

Dear Andy: I hear that the sun’s UV rays are very harmful. Should I keep my son out of the sun? – George in Virginia.

Dear George: There are three shades of pale. From darkest to lightest they are: a pale shade of IT, a pale shade of butt white, and the dreaded Minnesota white. If you keep your son in the IT to butt white range you should be okay. But please, for the sake of light sensitive eyes everywhere, don’t go Minnesota.

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Sex ed

Dear Andy: How should I teach my son about sex? – Pat in Mississippi

Dear Pat: Just like everyone else in the south, make him sleep with his cousin.

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Checking account for my son

Dear Andy: At what age should I start a checking account for my son? – Clark in Phoenix

Dear Clark: Do it when you’re young. That way you have time to replenish it after your son drains it.

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Octamom

Dear Andy: I’m dying to know, what do you think of the Octamom? – Brian in Atlantic City

Dear Brian: She’s octagorgeous.

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How many kids

Dear Andy: What’s the perfect number of kids to have? – Merv in Vancouver

Dear Merv: The average American has 2.5 kids. The average American house is 2,500 square feet. Coincidence, I think not. The average kid can clean 1,000 square feet. How big is your house???

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I love my cats more than my kids

Dear Andy: I love my cats more than my kids. What should I do? – Tina in Memphis

Dear Tina: Buy a dog.

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Children and alcohol

Dear Andy: What's your stance on children and alcohol? Is a sip of wine with a dinner okay for my 12 year old son. - Al in Virginia.

Dear Al: Is a little bit of meth okay; maybe just a touch of assault with a deadly weapon? Wine is step one, and theft is step two. Don’t worry about step three; you’ll be dead before you see it coming.

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Breast milk or foumula

Dear Andy: Breast milk or formula? – Kendra in Arcadia

Dear Kendra: Breast milk goes great with Cornflakes and Cheerios. But for the really sugary cereals like Captain Crunch, formula is the way to go.

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I'm rich!

Hello Sir: How are you today. I know this mail will come to you as a surprise considering the fact that we haven't discuss it before, but kindly bear with me hence, I have a special reason why I decided to contact you. My situation at hand is miserable but I trust in God and hope you will help me out. My name is Alina Joao Bernardo Vieira, I am 22years old girl. My nationality is Bissau Guinean. I am the daughter of Late Mr. Joao Bernardo Vieira, former President of the Republic of Guinea Bissau. Recently, my father was shot dead at home by the soldiers on early Monday, 3rd March, 2009.

I got your contact through internet data record and I decide to seek for your help to transfer my inheritance.

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. I am presently staying in the Mission camp in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$5.7 Million in one of the leading bank at Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso with my name as the beneficiary. I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf. I had wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am afraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money. Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money to your account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. I have my fathers death certificate and the account number which I will give you as soon as you indicated your interest to help me. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment.

Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes. I will send you my photos in my next email. Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. - Yours Sincerely, Miss Alina Joao Bernardo Vieira

Dear Miss Alina Joao Bernardo Vieira: Wow, I don’t know what to say. I need to clear this incredible offer with my current wife, but it sounds like a dream come true. Please send me the $5.7 million and I’ll take care of the plane tickets. Trust me.

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The athletically gifted son

Dear Andy: I have a 16 year old son who is athletically gifted. What sport should I steer him towards? – Maggie in Taos

Dear Maggie: There are three levels of sporting:

Athletic – These are the sports that make you a man – football, soccer, running….
Non-athletic – These are the fat guy sports – Baseball, bowling, golf, etc.
Mississippi – These include shooting at appliances, drinking and driving, and spouse abuse.

If your son is truly athletic, he’ll excel in the athletic and non-athletic sports. If he’s a dumb-shit with a confederate flag hanging off the back of his 74 Ford pick-up, he’s all Mississippi.

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Disneyland or Six Flags

Dear Andy: Disneyland or Six Flags? – Rachael in Southbury

Dear Rachael: Neither; take the kids to Costco. It’s got the same crowds, lines, and hot dogs as the theme parks. But when you return home, you’ll have 200 rolls of toilet paper, 80 pounds of dog food, and a case of underwear, all with the same name: Kirkland.

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Winky Shrinker and Fun Balls

Dear Andy: My son gave her mother and me nicknames. He calls me Fun Balls, and my wife Winky Shrinker. I don’t understand this new slang. Is he insulting us, or are these terms of endearment? – Mike in Wisconsin

Dear Mike: Good news for you, but not so good for your beautiful wife. Fun Balls is a combination of the words funicular, and ballerina. Basically he is saying you are strong, can climb steep hills, and are a very good dancer. Winky Shrinker on the other hand is the combination of the words testicle and sucker. Apparently your son wants to teabag his mother.

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How do I make my child sleep

Dear Andy: What’s the best way to get my child to sleep through the night? – Mark in Las Vegas

Dear Mark: Two words, bluegrass music. It’s the number one cause of narcolepsy and night sweats. Be careful though, it’s also been known to cause gonorrhea.

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Kids and the Fourth of July

Dear Andy: Should I allow my kids to play with fireworks this Fourth of July? – Hank in Ohio

Dear Hank: 4 out of 5 neighborhood mailboxes say no.

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