Andy, where have you been

Dear Andy: Why haven't you been posting lately? I miss you daily insight and solutions. - Carrie in Lander Wyoming

Dear Carrie: Go back to your sheep shearing or whatever the hell you back-woods hillbillies do. I get tired of your whining complaints just as much as you kids do, no wonder they won’t stop crying. You make me sick! I’ll post when I want, and how I want. If you don’t like it, I’m sure Oprah will be happy to fill your ass full of sunshine in my absence.

Love, Andy

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Drinking at home

Dear Andy: Should I provide alcohol for my son so he drinks at home instead of out where he is driving around. Linda in Atlanta

Dear Linda: Yes, and please adopt me and my friends.

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Son cries at night

Dear Andy: Our son cries constantly at night and my wife and I are at our wits end. We generally don’t get more than two or three hours of sleep a night. What is the best way to make him sleep? – Mark in Phoenix

Dear Mark: You’re making this too complicated. Just get a night job.

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World parenting styles

Dear Andy: How do parenting styles differ in the various countries you have recently visited? I am VERY interested! – Amy in Bellingham

Dear Amy: In the US, kids are told they can be anything they want to be. What a crock. I wanted to be a frickin’ truck driver. I even had my handle picked out – Diesel Trucker. But my dad had other ideas and sent me off to business school. Now they just call me Mr. Wallis. Anyway, here’s a quick rundown of some observations from my recent travels:

• Russia – Poor bastard kids never have a chance. They’re beaten daily with a hammer and cycle.
• Mongolia- there’s only one career choice in Mongolia. All kids are trained as wall breaker downers.
• China-If you’re a girl, your job is to be adopted by a nice wealthy American family. If you’re a boy, you will be raised to fight off the Mongolians.
• France- French girls are raised to be dainty and feminine, just like the boys.
  

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kids and coffee

Dear Andy: My son loves Coffee. Is it harmful to kids under the age of 10? – Aaron in Jersey

Dear Aaron: Yes, it stunts their growth. But think of it as an opportunity. You’ll save thousands on clothing.

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American or Canadian

Dear Andy: I am American, and my wife is Canadian. We just had a daughter and can choose her primary nationality. Should we choose US or Canada? – Jim in Michigan

Dear Jim: Definitely choose US citizenship. Canadian’s are too damn nice. If you stop to think about it, it’s really quite pathetic. They walk around with that stupid “can I help you find something” look on their faces. They remind me of some of those born again Christians; you know who I’m talking about, the ones who are so full of God’s love that they’re peeing rainbows. You need just a touch of surly to balance out the nice, that’s the American way.

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